When I lived in the city, I met so many people. People I still talk to, and some of which I still consider friends.
That time in my life was one of the hardest I've ever lived through. I look back on it now, and the memories I had, the things I did seem surreal.
I most definitely was not the person I am today.
Continuing on...
One of my friends and I were sharing a house, and she walks into the house one day, a big grin on her face. She laughs, and hands me a present. It's a piggy bank, a clear bank that only has one hole that you can put money in.
I cracked up laughing when I saw it. I've been saying lately how I need to start saving. This pig is perfect, because in order to extract the money inside, you actually have to break it. Sheer genius...
I start off pretty good, putting $5 in at a time, and folding it up into tiny little squares. Well, soon after, I stop saving, and find a different use for the pig.
I decide that I'll start putting little notes to myself in there. Wishes, if you will.
I was still heartbroken over my ex, sorting through that three year relationship, trying to move on, which was damned near impossible.
My best friends at that time were Jesse, and James. We spent every moment of every day together. My two best gay friends.
It's mostly James that I want to talk about.
James is the single most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on. Think of the person you find the most beautiful, most appealing, then multiply that times 10. That's James. If that was all he was, then it would be easy to just tell yourself he's just another pretty face.
Not so, in this case. He was the only man I'd ever met who was as beautiful inside as he was on the outside. We spent almost every night together. He'd come over to my house, he'd stay the night, and we'd snuggle in my bed. We'd stay up until 2 a.m. talking about the most random things... giggling, telling each other what we wanted, what kind of things we wished for in our lives, all this while listening to the radio. We even had our own song. Everytime it would come on, I would call him, he would call me, and we'd listen to it together.
We even had "date night" together, which consisted of us both getting ready, going out to dinner, a movie, (some nights is was us going to the club) then coming home to watch tv together until it was time to go to bed. I'd lay on the couch, with him behind me, his arms wrapped around me, and on those nights, I didn't think about anything other than how happy I was.
It's only now that I've talked to James, years later, that he told me how much I truly meant in his life.
He called me the other night, having problems in his relationship. He told me the things that were going on, and I listened to him, gave him the best advice I knew how to do, and told him I loved him.
He then says "Lena, I don't know anyone who's been there as much for me as you have. The friends I have now wouldn't have listened the way you did. I still feel so bad for the way things ended between us (me, in the hospital, after slicing my brachial artery, him telling me that I ruined the way he saw the world). He went on to say "You forgave me. You don't hold anything against me. You're the only person I know who is the way you are."
I told him "James, I love you. Nothing will ever change that. I'm just glad that you've found someone in your life who loves you for the man you are." He then proceeds to tell me how I've been the one person in his life who never judged him, always supported him, and how guilty he felt for abandoning me. I tell him it's all water under the bridge. I tell him I love him, then I hang up.
Anyway, back to the wish pig. I decided that this particular pig was where I wanted to store my deepest secrets. I would put something in there everyday. Sometimes it had to do with me, what I wanted out of life, sometimes not. Sometimes, I made wishes for other people in my life. I even got James to put some of his wishes in there. I told him that we'd open it together one day, read all of our wishes, everything that we wanted, and we'd probably laugh about it.
We did that for the longest time, then after my stint in the hospital, when I finally went home, I found myself looking at that wish pig. Wondering what fantastic secrets it held inside. (this was after the hospital, after James stopped talking to me.)
One day, I decided to go through the secrets, to see what the pig would reveal.
I found a hammer, turned my head away from the pig, and smashed open its glass body. It took more than one try, btw :)
When I finally cleared the glass away, spread out the "wishes" which were written on small pieces of paper, I sat in my bathroom, missing James, missing my ex, just hurting in general.
I read the first wish..
(me) I wish that Brad (my ex) will have a happy life with whoever he decides to love.
(james) I wish that Salena will realize how beautiful she is
(me) I wish that James will find the man who loves him for everything he is
(me) Dear God, please take care of my mom, my sister, and my brother. I love them so much
(me) Please let me one day be the woman I hope I can
(james) I wish that Brad will call Salena, I wish that they will fall in love all over again.
.....
When I read that, it made me cry. I never realized that James cared about me enough to wish for my own happiness.
It's something to wish for your own happiness, but when you're able to wish for the happiness of others, that says something about your character.
No matter what happened in the past with me and James, I will always love him. I'll always care about him.
I still haven't told him that I read his wish. I think that he's probably forgotten all about it. Part of me still thinks about that sometimes.
I've gotten over the ex, I've realized that my life is so much better without him in it. I've moved on in my life, letting go of the things that no good can come of.
Maybe that's growin up, maybe that's being an adult, I don't know.
All I know is that in my life, I have been so lucky.
For some reason, I've met the most amazing people. Those people have believed in the person I am, and in the person I will (someday) become.
Life is good.
I don't know how everything will turn out, I haven't the slightest clue. I do know that no matter what happens, I will enjoy the ride. I'll wish, I'll hope, I'll dream. I won't let the past dictate who I am. I won't let the woman I was change the woman I am now. All I can do is make sure that I live my life the way I know I should. Every single day, with no regrets...........
