My first day working for this nationally known cable provider, I met a guy who I was convinced was Jesus.
Modern Jesus, yeah, not weepy Jesus. Although that seems unfair. I'd probably be weepy if I had thorns in my side and was wearing a crucifix as an overcoat.
Anyway, when I say that I found Jesus, I don't mean that he was on a tortilla.
My Jesus was named Jason. And his last name started with the letter 'C'. So, it only took me 24 years to meet JC, at a cable network of all places. And it wasn't TBN.
I guess it made sense, they did win that whole JD Power and Associates customer service blah blah blah for some years. If there's one thing Jesus knows, other than...EVERYTHING, it's obviously good customer service. I know this because I went to sunday school for years. I probably still have a picture or two of apostles that I colored. This obviously qualifies me as an expert on the subject.
Anyway, I spilled everything to one of my friends, told her I was starting to think that my trainer was Jesus.
She laughed at me, and wanted to know why, so I assembled my facts before her.
****Same initials as the original JC.
****His birthday was December 26th (Yeah, the day AFTER Christmas. I know that, but it's not like everyone in Nazareth carried around a blackberry or calendar. Suck it.)
****He had long dark brown hair, a beard, and dressed like Jesus would dress if he was around. Chuck Taylors, faded jeans, and button down shirts. He had mad style, yo.
****He had a kick ass sense of humor, clearly validating my existence.
****I saw him put his hands together in a praying gesture and I swear it was the same praying hands my grandma had like a billion sets of in her house.
So, with my list of indestructible and unquestionable facts, I won her over. Jesus was obviously training me to be an agent of...cable television.
After I'd been in training for a week or so, me and JC got to be pretty good friends. One night, I suggested that we go out for drinks.
Now...I said drinks. In actuality, I was doing my own E! True Hollywood Story. The unauthorized Jesus Chronicles.
That last picture was for you non-believers. Just kidding. Jesus loves you!
Anyway, as the night progressed, I had matched JC drink for drink.
I remember drunkenly thinking that he was probably turning his wine into water, just to fuck with me.
I ended up completely shit faced.
When I woke up from my hangover the next morning, I remember that drunken Sal had the presence of mind to take notes on napkins at the bar. Sober me congratulated drunken me on being a complete fucking genius.
Until I read the notes I'd written. Basically it was a whole lot of shit.
One thing I did learn was that JC loved Outkast. This was about the time that Speakerboxxx/Love Below came out. He was team Love Below, btw.
Drunken me was obviously a complete fucking idiot.
-----
When I went back to work on Monday, we had to take phone calls from irate customers, to hone our people skills.
The thing is, anytime I've ever had a job working with the public, I always get the interesting people.
JC walked up just as I was saying, "Well, sir, if I had to pick one of the adult channels to watch, I'd probably go with the Spice channel. It sounds interesting. Or, you could always go with one of the one hour blocks, if you want a little variety. No, I don't have a favorite lube."
Training commandment #1: Thou shalt not be judgmental of thy customer's porn.
I had made a list of little commandments like that, and had them written in a notebook.
As JC walked up, I finished up the call, and he says, "Sal, you know, you don't have to answer every question someone throws at you."
I looked at him, and pointed to commandment # 1.
At this point, he read through all my commandments while laughing and shaking his head.
He was still leafing through my notebook, when I remembered that was where all my Jesus criteria was.
I felt my ears turn red, and the only thing I could think of was the last sentence I'd half-assed scribbled in my notebook.
"Ask JC for a tuna fish sandwich. If he brings back two, he's probably Jesus."
-----------
I didn't die of embarassment.
He never confirmed or denied his Jesusness.
