Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Tyler Durden: All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.




I had a pretty great Memorial thingie. Being me, I spent it doing what I wanted to do.

Friday, I was giving myself a pedicure, drinking a redbull, and I remembered something that I had forgotten. Once, on a stay in a hospital, I met this amazing guy. He was fucking beautiful in a way that most people aren't. He was capable, smart, funny, and lit me up in ways that I can still feel.

While I was recovering, he seemed to find me as irresistible as I found him. When his shift was on, he sought me out, engaged me in conversation.
We talked about all sorts of things, but what I remember most is how lively his eyes were, how he would sometimes look up from what he was doing to grin at me from across the room. I can feel myself grinning now, just thinking about it. His eyes, his smile, his wonderful outlook was infectious. He had the kind of presence that was like a physical touch.

I guess it's fair to say that I loved him a little.

The day that I was released to go home, I remember wanting to hug him, to thank him, to say all the wonderful things I wanted to say to him, but I couldn't find the words. My thoughts wouldn't let themselves be uttered.
I think he knew that. We ended up sitting on my bed, he told me stories about his family, how they had a Christmas tradition of going to see a movie on Christmas Eve, every year.

We sat there, exchanging stories, and he asked me what I was going to do when I left. I told him the truth. I didn't know.
I sat there for another minute or two, and asked him if I could hug him. He grinned that beautiful grin again, and put his arms around me.
When we pulled away, my eyes were teary, and he cupped my face in his hands. To be touched like that, with so much love, as if I was something precious, was outside of everything that had been going on in my life. I started to cry a little, and closed my eyes.

I felt the softest brush against my cheek. It wasn't until later, much later, I realized that he had kissed me.

I stood up, we said our goodbyes, and we each went on to our own destinies.

I thought about him all day Friday, all night, and woke up Saturday, still unable to get rid of the thoughts of him.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized what I needed to do. I needed to tell him thank you. I started going through stuff in storage, and in an old journal I had, I found his email address. It was scary, seeing it right there in my hand.

I thought about not even contacting him. I thought about trying to forget it, but I couldn't let myself.

I wrote this to him:

"You came into my life at a time when I was lost. You never tried to tell me that you had all the answers. You never threw easy responses to my questions.
You listened to me, and that helped me more than anything else. If I hadn't met you, talked to you, I don't know where I'd be right now.
That's all I wanted to say. Thank you. You changed my life for the better."

5 comments:

Mr. Condescending said...

you should have offered up some sexytime to him!! whats he gonna turn you down? I say email him.

Sally-Sal said...

Mr. C:
I'd rather have my memory of him, instead of having him cry over Old Yeller and fug it all up.
I'm a dick about some things.

P.S. Nobody can turn down sexy times!

otherworldlyone said...

I think it's great that you emailed him. I think people like that need appreciation and recognition...so they know that they're making a difference and continue to do so.

Sally-Sal said...

Owo:
I do too. I try to tell people what they mean to me without sounding like a total douche.

He's married now, and has the most beautiful little girl. He's still amazing, supportive, and he loved my email :o)

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