Thursday, June 18, 2009

Hold me closer, Tony Danza

Since I was about 15, I've had this recurring dream about a man. I don't know what he looks like, because when I wake up, all I remember is seeing his back, the side of his face, the touch of his hand, or his laugh.

When I ask him why I never see his face, he tells me "You see my face everytime. You just forget it before you wake up. Forgetting is easier right now."

When I was with B, I stopped dreaming of 'the guy'. Deep down, I've always believed that the guy that I dream of is the man I'm supposed to be with. The reason I haven't met him yet, is because it's not time. Maybe because of me, maybe because of him.

Anyway, when I find out that B had been lying for our whole three year relationship, I didn't want to let go. I wrestled with it, and when I was worrying about making the right decision, I dreamt about my mystery guy again.

In that dream, I asked him "Isn't he the one? Isn't he the one I'm supposed to end up with? I know you have brownish hair, and I think your eyes are blue. Aren't they?"
He laughs at me, and says "Maybe they're brown. It doesn't matter."

I dream of him when I'm wrestling with things, when I'm worried, when I'm about out of mind with grief, or stress, or unhappiness.

Strange as it is, sometimes just the thought of him, that I may someday meet him, gives me hope.

Last night, I had a different sort of dream. In my dream, he's sitting in my house.
I'm so happy to see him, I want to tell him, but he's sitting with his head in his hands.

He's doubting himself, he's wrestling with the things in his life. Family, mostly.

I kneel down in front of him, and I take his hands. I put them on his knees, then I put my hands on both sides of his face. I can feel the pleasant, whiskery feel of his unshaved face, and I force him to look at me.
I pull his face close to me, until I'm drowning in his eyes. Trying to speak when I'm so close is impossible.
I look at him, and there are so many things I want to say. To thank him, to speak the combination of words that will take away his pain. Most of all, to ask him if I will ever meet him.

Instead, we just sit there, our arms around each other. No words.

The last thing I remember is feeling him kiss me, just the brush of his lips against mine. It felt like he opened my heart, read the diary that I keep there, and kissed me exactly the way that I've always wanted.

"Always no sometimes think it's me, but you know I know when it's a dream.
I think, er No, I mean, er Yes but it's all wrong.
That is I think I disagree."


otherworldlyone said...

What an awesome dream. There's someone out there that's perfect for you. I know.

I accidentally deleted the text with your new number. Send it again please chica.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

I loved this post just for the title. Then I read it and it gave me a smile because the same thing happend to me when I was about 13. I dreamed of my wife but never saw her face. All I knew was that she was blonde and that she really liked me. I thought she was going to be older but it turned out she was younger. I had to wait till I was 30 to meet her but it was worth every agonizing minute.

Rita said...

Keep hope alive Sal - good for you.

erin said...

Dreams are so nice sometimes. And fucked up other times...
I dreamt about Jeremiah for years, , even after he left me out of nowhere when I was 19, even when I was married to someone else. Then I was 25 and Voila! we were together. He's still in my dreams every night, even though he's in bed with me.

Anna G said...

It's so weird, I have so many dreams about a certain guy too. I think I met him but it's so confusing. I wish you luck with your future relationship.

Sally-Sal said...

Yeah, I'm positive he's out there. And he's perfection in man form.

Sent, gangsta :o)

You made my day with this comment! I really thought I was weird/strange for having this particular dream.
It's nice to know that someone great has had the same experience.
And...yay for blondes!!!

Thanks! I know I've found the man of my dreams. Too bad, he's *in my dreams*. LOL.

That is awesome! I actually think I know who my mystery guy is.
Jeremiah sounds wise. I mean, he picked you, right?

Anna G:
I want to hear more about this mystery guy!
And good luck with yours. If he's the one, make it happen.

Jerrod said...

the last dream i remember had me crying in the dream over a girl and then i woke up with tears. i hate dreams. i also hate deciding between happy endings and something from best buy. I'm complicated like that.

Sally-Sal said...

I'm easy. If it's a choice between happy endings or--, I'll never even wait to hear the 'or'. I go happy ending ever time.

But Best Buy is nice too :o)

Sally-Sal said...

P.S. Keep crying (even in dreams) baby. You're only making this better for me.

Jerrod said...

only if happy endings are in deed happy and not annoying and sometimes a bit painful. it reeeeally isn't a ketchup bottle. fyi.

Sally-Sal said...

Jerrod, it's just like the Mr. Spriggs commercial sings. "Tender"...

And btw, the ketchup bottle reference made me picture all kinds of things. Someone spanking your junk to make stuff come out, and all kinds of other very disturbing things.
It was great. Thanks :o)

somebody said...