Monday, June 15, 2009

Hospital Haircut

I stayed up late last night talking to Mary. We always get off on some tangent, talking about crazy stuff, and before I know it, it's midnight.

Last night we started talking about hospitals, of all things.

It made me think of some of my own hospital experiences, and the one that it called up was the time I was in ICU after my car accident.

One of the things I remember was being out of my mind with all the pain medicine they were giving me. Having a coherent thought was an olympic worthy feat.
When I was recovering, I remember wanting a shower. I think I said this out loud, or maybe used low grade telepathy. Nurses are awesome, and respond to both.
One of the nice nurses came in, helped me out of bed, and walked me into the shower room.
I remember just standing there in my hospital johnny, waiting for her to leave, and after we both stood there for about five minutes, I said "You can go ahead and go. I don't have any questions or anything."
She laughed, told me she had to be there, because I had a head injury and it was her job to make sure I didn't fall and hit my head or anything.

Now, that should've horrified me a little. The thought of having this woman watching me soap up my no-no parts would've probably stopped this whole shower business if I'd been in my right mind. If....

So, I pulled that hospital robe over my head, and stood there naked. Once again, thank you, medication.
I stood there in front of that poor woman looking her right in the eye, making inappropriate eye contact, until she started blushing a little, and asked me "Do you need me to start the water?"
That jolted me out of the daydream I was having, and I shook my head, and walked to the tiny shower.
I started the water, and once it was beating against my body, I went on auto pilot and soaped up.
The next thing I knew, she was handing me a razor. I took it from her, and looked at it like I've never seen such a device in all my life. From the look of things, that wasn't far from the truth.
I stood in the shower, looking at the razor, wondering what the hell to do with it.
She was watching me, but this didn't bother me at all. I was far, far away, in the land of the happily medicated.
I could not think of a fucking thing to do with this razor, so I just applied it to the first area I saw hair on. Which happened to be my va jay jay. As soon as I applied razor to vagina, she immediately looked away, red faced, and probably choking back laughter.
I guess I didn't do too bad of a job, because everything's still intact. I did the best job I could, then tossed the razor towards the drain area.
I remember bemusedly watching hair twirl down the drain, and wondered if someone had shaved bigfoot's package.
I don't even think I washed my hair.

After all that was done, I was exhausted. I felt like I had just run a marathon, instead of washing my thrill zone.

As soon as I made it to the bed, I passed out and didn't wake up until the next day.

When I woke up, I remembered some of the shower incident, but I thought it was just more of the fucked up dreams I had. I started thinking about how I had just stood, butt ass naked in front of that poor woman, and it made me laugh a little. Then, I remembered the shaving incident. That made me laugh harder.
I really didn't think it happened, until I lifted up my hospital dress, and saw that I had shaved exactly one half of my salami garage.

It looked kinda like this:


otherworldlyone said...

Oh that's fucking hilarious!

Kristine said...

That is a hilarious story! I bet she still tells it to her friends too :)

Lana said...

i cried a little from laughing really hard at that one :) i'm glad you got a laugh out of it the next day!

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

salami garage is the best euphemism I've heard in ages.

Mr. Condescending said...

lol@ washing the thrill zone!

NWO said...

Gawd you make me laugh! This is going to be my image of you for a long time.

Cheesy said...

It looked exactly like that>? It now has brown eyes?? lol
I love the phrase salami garage.. I think I peed a little....

Mr London Street said...

Your blog is a great home for euphemisms.

"home for euphemisms", I might add, is not in itself a euphemism.

At least, it wasn't until now.

Sally-Sal said...

It's funny to me now, but I felt like I sent that nice lady a card, or at least made out with her.

I bet she thinks of it everytime she sees a razor.

I did! I called my mom after it happened to tell her about my sexy shower incident with the nurse.

Thanks! I borrowed it from a friend.

Mr. C:
Can't neglect the thrill zone, yo!

medicated and half shaven? LOL.

Exactly like that. Eyebrows and all ;)

Mr. London:
That Ipod story cracked me up! Your writing blows me away.

somebody said...