Tuesday, June 2, 2009

With a little help from my friends....

Would you believe in a love at first sight
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine

Steve was one of the funniest guys I've ever known. I think he gets credit for coining the phrase "drater."
When we were in school, he had a hate vendetta against the special ed kids.

That sounds harsh, but it wasn't a one-sided thing. They hated him equally, if not more.

There was a woman who adopted about 2-3 special needs children. I never really understood how the state could've okayed that. Because her idea of rehabilitation was making them pick grass. No shit. I guess she thought she was renting a couple of llamas, or lawnmowers, because these kids did lawn work. There was never any suggestion to 'go outside and play', it was always 'go outside and pick grass.'

Soon after finding this out, Steve put them into several 'drater' categories. Grass picker was for the higher levels, and drooler was parcelled out to the more severe cases.

Steve wasn't a bad guy. He mostly left the drater kids alone, but they could sense his dislike, so natch, they would fuck with him.
Little Jeffie H. would hug Steve, or give him a hard shot to the nuts. Somehow, I think the hugging was worse, because he knew Steve hated it. In return, Steve would 'pole' Little Jeffie.
Poling: (this took two people) grabbing someone's legs, and running with them until reaching the flagpole. It was successful when 'your' pole met the flagpole. Hence, 'poling'.
Steve didn't always catch Jeffie, because Jeffie was a runner.

Not long after, one of the drater girls (Donna) developed a crush on Steve. Not a big deal, right? Until she started doing things to get his attention. Like throwing his books down, trying to fight with him, or basically just standing by his desk until he acknowledged her, or told her to go away and pick some grass.

When she finally realized who she was dealing with, she stepped it up a notch. The story I heard was that she gave him a partial haircut with a pair of safety scissors.
Bad idea, Donna.

Steve's retaliation sparked a chain of events that has since gone down in history.

Instead of doing something overt, Steve went for something totally unexpected.

Yes. His retaliation was ex-lax. It kept Donna out of school for at least a day, and that was a happy day for Steve.

Unfortunately, Steve told people of his newfangled drater repellent.
One of the girls in his class took this little nugget of information to the principal, and Steve got into trouble.

And then he left the drater kids alone.



Welcome to Thunderdome.

As Steve was waiting for his dad to come pick him up from school, he had a showdown with the girl who had ratted him out. Stacy.
Things wouldn't have gotten ugly, if she didn't catch him pissing in her mom's van.

That was just Steve's way. If you slapped him, he punched you out. If you broke both his arms, he'd bite you to death. If you told on him for giving Donna ex-lax, he pissed in your mother's van. That was just his way of filling his dance card.

Steve was just finishing up pissing in Stacy's family van, and the Stacy clan must've been lying in wait for him, because as soon as he stepped out of the van, and zipped up, Stacy's younger sister greeted him with a board to the face. She hit him with a fucking board.
By all rights, this should've ended the fight.
Instead, the board hit activated Steve's cage fighting instincts, because when she swung the board at him again, he kicked it out of her hands, and it went flying across the parking lot.

By this time, the mom had made it outside to where her youngest daughter was sparring with the drater whisperer. She yelled at them to stop, but Steve was wound up, he was ready to kick ass and chew bubblegum.
Stacy's sister went for him, and just as she had her claws out, wolverine style, Steve reached into his pocket, pulled out his finishing move, and gave her an equal opportunity k.o.
She did not pass go, she did not collect $200, she went straight to kissing the concrete.

Steve has many more run-ins with the grass-picking society, and when he finally graduated, the special ed department threw a party.


otherworldlyone said...

Hahaha...I'm laughing...but I have absolutely no idea what to say about that.

Charmed said...

You have lived a very interesting life.

You crack me up!

Mr. Condescending said...

haha you know retard stuff will always excite me sal!

im so tired, but this made me laugh a ton.

Sadako said...

Ew, ex lax, how evil!

Sally-Sal said...

Steve, to this day, remains one of my most awesome friends.

I second that emotion. Very interesting. I used to think that everyone had friends like mine, but now I know better. :o)

Mr. C:
Making you laugh is always high on my list.

There's no worse sickness than the sickness of explosive d.

erin said...

I had a love affair with a retard in high school. He's now my ex husband...

Sally-Sal said...

That made me laugh a lot. I'm gonna go check out your blog now.

John Paul III said...

We had dubbed the short bus the "Cartoon Express" in high school. The USA Network showed all the old Hanna Barbera cartoons and named the show the "Cartoon Express" and had a short bus with the same name with all the cartoon characters in it. We used to line up in the morning when the "Cartoon Express" pulled up and laugh at the characters: Focus (the guy with thick glasses), Harvey (I have no idea why we called him that) and the Jewish Bus Driver (don't really think he was Jewish). We were nice people.

somebody said...