So, here's what happened.
This weekend, I was just sitting on my couch, painting my toenails with some fingernail polish that was so thick, it was like pudding. I had to keep putting coats on, so instead of toenails, I had thick red hooves.
I kept painting though. I mean, shit, nobody really looks that close at feet, do they? And if they do, they can just pretend that I did a good job.
Although, (hello, rationality) it looked something like this when I was done:
Because even after about two hours, it still wasn't dry all the way through. It was kind of hard on top, but like the shell of an eskimo pie, if you pushed on it too hard, shit started smearing/falling off.
Anyway, one of my friends called me, needing a favor.
She has this guy friend, whose date stood him up. Poor guy, right?
Well, she asked me if I would do her a solid and go out with this guy.
Apparently he was recently divorced, lonely, and him had hims dick in the dirt, yes him did.
In her words "If there's anyone who can cheer him up, it's you, Sal."
So, I said okay. Sometimes I can be nice.
I headed over to her house, and when I got there, and actually *saw* him, I gave her a "bitch, I'm gonna cut you" look.
First of all, I'm a tall girl. He was about 5'6, which puts me at least three inches taller than him. Second, he just looked, well...there's no nice way to say it, but he looked fucking deranged. And those thick child molester glasses weren't helping his case any.
I looked at him and thought I might end up in a well, with him yelling at me to put the fucking lotion in the basket.
If I was lucky.
Then, I felt like a dick. I had a talk with myself. I thought to myself "Sal, quit acting like a dick. This poor guy got stood up and you're cataloguing him behind his back, he might be the nicest guy you've ever met. Now, quit talking to yourself, suck it up, and fucking smile. But remember to cut your friend later."
So, I walk over to Tim, smiling, and shook his hand.
He turned out to be really sweet. We went to dinner (out of town--jeah!) and he ended up telling me about his two sons, his job, and of course, about his divorce.
It wasn't a bad date. He was nice, and didn't smell completely of desperation.
I told him not to give up, told him that the whole dating thing is overwhelming, but encouraged him to keep plugging away.
During our date, he asked me for my phone number, and like a fucking fool (I know, I KNOW!) I gave it to him.
I thought if nothing else, I'd make up some big old boyfriend just getting released from prison.
The next day I got up to mow my lawn, and managed to give myself heat exhaustion instead. I made it inside to my couch, drank a bottle of water, and slept until about 9 in the p.m.
When I woke up, I had a couple missed calls (Ty) and 20 new texts.
Take it away, Tim.
Tim: Hey cutie
Tim: U not gonna talk to me?
Tim: U may be busy or just dont wanna talk to me but i must say that i wanna be ur man and love u forever
Sal: I mowed my lawn. Think I got too much sun. Slept all day. (and ignored that whole love comment)
Tim: Oh ok sry. Did u get my pics
Sal: Yeah. Nice family. How was your day?
Tim: Good did u happen to get the other pic too lol
(I'm sure you ladies out there know where this is going, right?)
Sal: Is it something I'd rather not see?
Tim: Of my ummmm thing? Lol i only sent it to get ur attention
(He fucking said thing. Thing! And on a sidenote, let me say this. Fellas, if you're gonna call it a 'thing' something so big that it's practically nameless, a.k.a, a thing, it better be impressive. I better be able to hang a fucking load of laundry on it. It should be able to smash things into tiny pieces. It should be massive and prehistoric. If Granny sees it, she'll want to put it on the mantle and tell all her friends it came from far away, and that we don't have things like that in the good old U S of A. I should be able to threaten the lives of others with it.)
Tim: I hope ur not offended by it I also sent u a heartfelt message
(Thanks Tim. That really made up for the overexposed photos of your raw dick. You are not only romantic, thoughtful, and spontaneous, you seem to really know what girls want. A dick surrounded by roses.)
Tim: Are u there
(Yes, Tim, I'm here. I'm calculating my response. If you were a slug--and by the looks of your no no parts, that might not be far off-- I'd throw salt on you, and relish your agony)
Sal: Well, Tim, it's not a great idea to send a woman your thing. Because the only kind of attention you get is the negative kind.
Tim: sry r u upset now
Sal: I'm not upset, just disgusted.
Tim: so ur done with me
Tim: im sry u should be mad at me i was thoughtless (crying emoticon) <-- that actually made me laugh really hard.
Sal: For future reference, don't do that.
Tim: Have a good night text me if u still like me if not then i understand
Tim: fine ok sweetdreams anyway
Tim: i guess u dont like me anymore ill just be sad 4ever then
Tim: How's your day going?
And that was the end of Tim. I'll probably get a few more texts, but they seem to be tapering off.
I didn't cut my friend.
I sent her the picture of Tim's weiner instead.