Tuesday, July 14, 2009

He gave me his heart, I handed it back.

So, here's what happened.

This weekend, I was just sitting on my couch, painting my toenails with some fingernail polish that was so thick, it was like pudding. I had to keep putting coats on, so instead of toenails, I had thick red hooves.
I kept painting though. I mean, shit, nobody really looks that close at feet, do they? And if they do, they can just pretend that I did a good job.

Although, (hello, rationality) it looked something like this when I was done:

Because even after about two hours, it still wasn't dry all the way through. It was kind of hard on top, but like the shell of an eskimo pie, if you pushed on it too hard, shit started smearing/falling off.

Anyway, one of my friends called me, needing a favor.

She has this guy friend, whose date stood him up. Poor guy, right?
Well, she asked me if I would do her a solid and go out with this guy.
Apparently he was recently divorced, lonely, and him had hims dick in the dirt, yes him did.

In her words "If there's anyone who can cheer him up, it's you, Sal."

So, I said okay. Sometimes I can be nice.

I headed over to her house, and when I got there, and actually *saw* him, I gave her a "bitch, I'm gonna cut you" look.
First of all, I'm a tall girl. He was about 5'6, which puts me at least three inches taller than him. Second, he just looked, well...there's no nice way to say it, but he looked fucking deranged. And those thick child molester glasses weren't helping his case any.
I looked at him and thought I might end up in a well, with him yelling at me to put the fucking lotion in the basket.
If I was lucky.
Then, I felt like a dick. I had a talk with myself. I thought to myself "Sal, quit acting like a dick. This poor guy got stood up and you're cataloguing him behind his back, he might be the nicest guy you've ever met. Now, quit talking to yourself, suck it up, and fucking smile. But remember to cut your friend later."

So, I walk over to Tim, smiling, and shook his hand.
He turned out to be really sweet. We went to dinner (out of town--jeah!) and he ended up telling me about his two sons, his job, and of course, about his divorce.
It wasn't a bad date. He was nice, and didn't smell completely of desperation.
I told him not to give up, told him that the whole dating thing is overwhelming, but encouraged him to keep plugging away.
During our date, he asked me for my phone number, and like a fucking fool (I know, I KNOW!) I gave it to him.
I thought if nothing else, I'd make up some big old boyfriend just getting released from prison.

The next day I got up to mow my lawn, and managed to give myself heat exhaustion instead. I made it inside to my couch, drank a bottle of water, and slept until about 9 in the p.m.

When I woke up, I had a couple missed calls (Ty) and 20 new texts.

Take it away, Tim.

Tim: Hey cutie
Tim: Hi
Tim: U not gonna talk to me?
Tim: U may be busy or just dont wanna talk to me but i must say that i wanna be ur man and love u forever


Sal: I mowed my lawn. Think I got too much sun. Slept all day. (and ignored that whole love comment)
Tim: Oh ok sry. Did u get my pics
Sal: Yeah. Nice family. How was your day?
Tim: Good did u happen to get the other pic too lol
(I'm sure you ladies out there know where this is going, right?)
Sal: Is it something I'd rather not see?
Tim: Of my ummmm thing? Lol i only sent it to get ur attention
(He fucking said thing. Thing! And on a sidenote, let me say this. Fellas, if you're gonna call it a 'thing' something so big that it's practically nameless, a.k.a, a thing, it better be impressive. I better be able to hang a fucking load of laundry on it. It should be able to smash things into tiny pieces. It should be massive and prehistoric. If Granny sees it, she'll want to put it on the mantle and tell all her friends it came from far away, and that we don't have things like that in the good old U S of A. I should be able to threaten the lives of others with it.)
Tim: I hope ur not offended by it I also sent u a heartfelt message
(Thanks Tim. That really made up for the overexposed photos of your raw dick. You are not only romantic, thoughtful, and spontaneous, you seem to really know what girls want. A dick surrounded by roses.)
Tim: Are u there
(Yes, Tim, I'm here. I'm calculating my response. If you were a slug--and by the looks of your no no parts, that might not be far off-- I'd throw salt on you, and relish your agony)
Sal: Well, Tim, it's not a great idea to send a woman your thing. Because the only kind of attention you get is the negative kind.
Tim: sry r u upset now
Sal: I'm not upset, just disgusted.
Tim: so ur done with me
Tim: im sry u should be mad at me i was thoughtless (crying emoticon) <-- that actually made me laugh really hard.
Sal: For future reference, don't do that.
Tim: Have a good night text me if u still like me if not then i understand
Tim: fine ok sweetdreams anyway

Tim: i guess u dont like me anymore ill just be sad 4ever then

Tim: How's your day going?

And that was the end of Tim. I'll probably get a few more texts, but they seem to be tapering off.

I didn't cut my friend.


I sent her the picture of Tim's weiner instead.


Jerrod said...

words can't express the joy that story gave me. i would like to shadow you in your daily life... taking notes and such. then i'm going to write a book.

seriously. that "FUCK" before you started responding made me laugh out loud. he was the essence of a perfect loser. score, sal. score.

sas said...

i have the most horrible feeling that your tim is the tim i once dated.


Kristine said...

Ohhhhh boy. I was cringing and laughing. Man, that was awful. And hilarious. But also, awful.
I'm so glad you sent her his, "ummm thing"

EW. I'm gonna go take a shower.

Anna G said...

That's horrible. I'm a nice person too but I would block that dude from my phone. I hate desperate guys and dating, that's why I refuse to give guys my cell number.

Rita said...

Sal: I'm not upset, just disgusted.
Tim: so ur done with me

He had to ask?? Seriously?

Alice said...

Uh, my Tim's name was Gary. On our first (and last) date, he told me how much he wanted to be married. I don't think he necessarily meant to me, just to anyone. He continued to call for three months...my son began referring to him as "the stalker". I feel ya.

erin said...

Wow. Messed up.
You should have sent one of those laughing emoticons when he sent you the pic of his dick.

Not like, 'You're so clever sending me that nasty photo!' but rather, 'You're a fucking nasty little dicked freak, I'm laughing at you and hoping you get the message and change everything about yourself right now!'.

otherworldlyone said...

Oh dear gawd! Do they have a Psycho Stalker Show Your Penis 101 class or something? Why do these crazies do and say the same shit? There HAS to be a class...or a book that's available ALL over the US...because these fuckers are everywhere.

I think the penis pic was definitely better than cutting her.

You're my hero.

mysterg said...

His thing?! He could have at least called it his Little General or something...poor guy.

The Peach Tart said...

Dick pics are never a good idea...unless its your honey and he's out of town and missing you...or unless he has something really impressive. Otherwise it's just pitiful.

JennyMac said...

I laughed out loud multiple times reading it. And that cartoon is awesome. Dont me me cut you. hahahaha. GREAT post. F'ing Rock Star.

Lana said...

ohhhhh, so wrong!! i guess those molester glasses weren't far fron the truth.

are you going to change your number now?

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

why does this seem to be exclusively a male thing? you don't hear stories of lamearse female stalkers declaring their undying love after one date. I don't anyway.

ladytruth said...

So THAT'S what you meant by nice guys ending up to be crazy ass psychopaths LOL! There should be a website with HUGE pictures of these guys to warn woman about they're "exposing" habits! As for the fingernail polish: just dilute it a bit with the polish remover; I have so many bottles of polish that I just can't throw away cause I like the colour and it turns as thick as cement after a while, but the remover sorts it out one time :)

Imnotbenny said...

Holy crap! That was some of the most pathetic begging for attention I have ever seen, and literally made me feel completely skeeved.

Go Tim for thinking that maybe day THREE would do the trick.

the girl with the pink teacup said...

I love you so fucking much right now. Firstly, for the 'crying' emoticon laughter (YES!) and secondly, for not sharing the horrors of 'the thing' with us. Sounds like it'd be enough to put you off 'things' forever... Ugh.

Sally-Sal said...

Tim Update:
I received only one text last night.

Tim: i luv you

And just for the record, I have to say, that I bought the ticket, and now I'm taking the ride.
I should've never gave him my number.

Sometimes I wish I had like a helmet cam or something. Because there's lots of stuff I wish other people noticed.
Like, everyday at 8:15ish, when I'm going to school, this old man in a golf cart with an american flag drives by, waves, and his dog in the passenger seat barks hello.

That textin' Tim sure does get around. I hope that the peen shot was at least amusing.

Yeah, me too. Pictures can tell it so much better than any combination of words I could think of.

I wish there was a way to shower my eyes so I could unsee that.

Anna G:
Maybe I should get a pager. They still make those, right? And all you can do on a pager is type a bunch of numbers...

I know, right? I guess disgust doesn't automatically mean an end... :)

There's some things I think that shouldn't be brought up on a first date. Marriage is right up there with fisting.

You are a genius. I think if anyone can create such an emoticon, you be that someone.

'You're a fucking nasty little dicked freak, I'm laughing at you and hoping you get the message and change everything about yourself right now'


I think someone actually made a copy of that book Screech used to read on SBTB.
I know I'm not the only one out there getting dick pictures.

Sometimes, me and the friends get together and compare.
Or maybe it's just an Oklahoma thing. What with being the buckle in the bible belt and all, that makes for a lot of sexual frustration.

There was a definite lack of romancing the bone. It was just white, rigid, and unapologetic.

It's different if you know the dick. Or if it has your name written on it.
In that case, it's like a dick makeover.
The dick suddenly becomes beautiful, and like a debutante, you want to escort it someplace....

That's my main empty threat to people. That I'll cut them. Good times...

Nah, no need to change my number. I'll just keep ignoring him.
He's just inept. Eventually, he'll just lost interest, call me a bitch, and move on.

Oh, I'm sure they're out there. Guys are just better at being blunt.
I should've just said 'no' to giving him my phone number, and there never would've been an incident.
Hindsight is 20/20.

Btw, I'm glad I didn't give him my mom's number. That was my first instinct...

Well, when people talk about serial killers, they always say 'he was such a nice guy'... And he probably sent pictures of his peen...heheh

Thanks for the polish advice. It'll work a lot better than just applying it with an ice cream scoop.

Skeeved? I love that word.

Tim will eventually get the hint. Although, we're now going on day four.

the girl with the pink teacup:
That emoticon made me laugh really hard. It will always represent an unwelcome weiner :o)

Yeah, I wouldn't foist that peen upon the general public.
It kinda reminded me of a friar. Bald on top, with a tuft of hair.

otherworldlyone said...

Oh, no! It's not just an OK thing at all.

As a matter of fact, not only do we share pictures of the dicks we'd rather not receive, but it's become sort of a game to get random guys to send them when we're out and about. I'm always getting penis pictures. It's great.

*eyes glaze over*

....It could be a whole new blog! Rate-a-penis Palooza. Penis Pictures: The Good, the Bad, and the Hilariously Deformed. Oh, I'm going to be doing this all day....

John Paul III said...

You should cut your friend. A nice neat horizontal cut above her va-jajay. That way it looks like she has two twats. One that runs north-south and one that runs east-west.

p said...

LOL. Great story. I mean it sucked you had to go through all that, but the ending was great.

So did your nails get really messed up from the date? I have a thing about messed up nails. I can't stand it.

Christian said...

Cute little painted toes? Yeah I look closely.

Tennyson: You might be right about guys after one date. Lord knows what the pathetic numbers are out there. Ladies have guys beat hands down though when it comes to declaring undying love after one romp.

Pink Teacup: How do make it through sex knowing the horror that a thingy is touching you?

Sally-Sal said...

I'm telling you, that Tim is looking like he might deserve his own website.

Two vag holes? That gives her an unfair advantage. :P

I fixed the butchery on my feet. I'm now sporting the ever popular french manicure.

The toes are up to par.

One Sassy Girl said...

Wow, that may be my favorite blog post EVER. Tim, in all his overexposed, embarrassing glory - is a gem. And by gem, I mean utter d-bag.
Oh, and if you're going to mention a camera phone pic of a tiny wang, you best post it!
This made my day...

somebody said...