Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I gave myself to Jesus, but now he never calls.

On my next birthday, I've decided to have a Jesus cake. Now, I know you're probably thinking 'blasphemy!' And that's okay. I make no apologies for what I write, or who I am. And I'll probably get yet another ugly email from you, anonymous, and that's okay too.

So, with that little disclaimer in mind, I'll continue.

I'm going to have a Jesus cake for my birthday. There's nothing quite like biting into the sweet body of Christ to celebrate another birthday. I mean, he did make the ultimate sacrifice of dying for me and all, so a cake with his likeness is the least I could do.

I'll probably have the abs. What piece would you like? And no shoveling this in, have some respect. Savor each bite. This is the Jesus, not some gobble and go dessert, like the Incredible Hulk.

Maybe for party favors, I'll hand these out:

I know if you're anything like me, you're wondering how Jesus got those killer abs.

For entertainment, maybe a little K-Fed:

Because you know team Jesus roots for the underdog.

The whole "I had a Jesus-themed birthday party" soundtrack would probably include some of the following:

1. Craig Christ -- Steven Lynch
2. Amish Paradise -- Weird Al
3. Somebody's watching me -- Rockwell
4. Jesus of Suburbia -- Green Day
5. Jesus built my Hotrod -- Ministry
6. Jesus was a Capricorn -- Kris Krisstofferson
(because of these lyrics)

Jesus was a Capricorn
He ate organic food
He believed in love and peace
And never wore no shoes

7. Personal Jesus -- Depeche Mode
8. Jesus etc -- Wilco
9. Jesus Christ Pose -- Soundgarden
10. Jesus was an only son -- Springsteen

Jesus enjoying the party:

Rock me, Rock me, rock me sexy jesus
He died for our sins you gotta believe us
Rock me, Rock me, rock me sexy jesus
All night long

Because this is what is going to happen to me after the party:
Jesus knows

Even the big Lebowski knew:


Mr London Street said...

I had a girlfriend like Jesus once. She demanded constant adoration even though I never fucking saw her.

Mr. Condescending said...

What about playing "spacegrass" by clutch...."JESUS ON THE DASHBOARD!"

Valerie said...

you should have white cake and raspberry jelly for the filling

The Peach Tart said...

I like that part over his heart with the little lantern. Yes Jesus loves me and I love Jesus too.

Rita said...

OMG - (snickering at that explative) this just made my day Sal! And Valerie's comment about the white cake with raspberry jelly made me spit water! As far as what piece I'd want... all it takes is a touch of the hem of his robes right? hehehehehehe
I'm saving you all seats on the train.

Mr London Street said...

While we're at it I'm pretty sure the loaves and fishes story is about Jesus inventing the tuna mayo sandwich.

Anna G said...

I really want to attend this. You should get that Jesus statue from Dogma, that will totally offend people.

the girl with the pink teacup said...

I'm so there. The dress code is "robes and sandals", right?

Lana said...

love the new look sal! amish paradise and personal jesus together on one soundtrack might be too good to be true.

my fave is the pic of jesus drinking gatorade :)

mysterg said...

Are there gonna be party games at this birthday celebration such as 'pin the Jesus on the crucifix'?

If so count me in!

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

I'd love to go to a Jesus party. Maybe that's what Christmas should be called now? And you forgot 'Chocolate Jesus' by Tom Waits and the traditional folk song 'Plastic Jesus.'

Cheesy said...

Ahhhhh the body of Christ!

Imnotbenny said...

You know what the cool thing about a Jesus cake is, don't you?

You can totally feed like a thousand people with just one cake!


otherworldlyone said...

I'm printing this out and giving it to my Grandmother. She hasn't had a good rant in awhile.

Nobody sends me hate mail when I'm blasphemous! LUCKY!

I'm feelin' Valerie's cake idea as well.

P.S. - If you were a boy, you'd be my brother from another mother. It just doesn't sound as cool to say sister. Plus, we've got lots more in common with the boys I think. I promise this isn't leading into a conversation on sex changes. I’m leaving now.

Mandy said...

My birthday is August 12. Where can I get one like that? That is soooo going to replace my "bleeding armadillo" cake like from Steel Magnolias. LOL! I just found your blog from links I saw on another blog (forget which one at the moment). You're seriously funny! I'm so glad I bumped into you.

The Dark Tower said...

Personally I like Johnny Cash's version of Personal Jesus or even Marilyn Manson's as opposed to the Depeche Mode Cover.

The Johnny Cash Cover is darker along with the Marilyn Manson Cover.

mysterg said...

This was amongst the best posts I've read.

I've given you an award:

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