Sunday, October 18, 2009

Get thee behind me, Satan: Part two of the Sodomy Chronicles

Your eyes cast a spell that bewitches.
The last time I needed twenty stitches
To sew up the gash
That you made with your lash,
As we danced to the masochism tango

So, where was it I left off? Oh yes. I'd just given my boyfriend the keys to my butt.

Since neither of us had ever experienced the wonders of this particular sin, we both did our own research.

He decided to get some advice from his most whorish friends. See whorish friends below:

I decided to ask some of my best gay guy friends. I not only got information, I think I earned a Ph.D. in the art of applying lube, all things anal, and making an appletini. Good times.

When we finally met up in his bedroom, closed the door, and I looked up at him, I realized I was a little nervous. I wasn't afraid, though.
It's great to trust someone so much that you aren't worried, or anxious. You just know that no matter how things end up turning out, that they will turn out just fine.

As I walked into his bedroom, he cracked up laughing. It was that good laugh, the one that came from his whole body.
I looked down at myself, and started laughing, too.
I'd deliberately worn an orange t-shirt with one of those name tags on it. I customized it a bit:

Which inspired this reaction:

Just kidding.

It was more like this:

What caught my eye first was this industrial sized bottle of astroglide. I looked at it, and my first reaction was to laugh hysterically. Because that shit is expensive. It was probably enough to keep a gay commune in lube for about six months. It was a lot.
When I finally stopped laughing, I asked him if he had to take out a second mortgage to buy it.


When we both finally settled down, took our clothes off and got down to the fucking, I have to say it wasn't how I expected. Most things in life never are.

For one thing, neither of us could quit laughing. It really was ridiculous.

It was more stop and go than anything else. I'd have to say our anal sex moment was more like a student driver with a heavy brake foot. Lots of stop and go.

At one point, he actually fell off the bed into his cd tower, and we ended up laughing at that for the next ten minutes or so.
There was so much lube between our two naked bodies, that he probably could've used me as a slip n slide.

At one point, his dog wandered into the room, and we both simultaneously yelled at the dog to 'cover your eyes!'

When it was finally over, we just kind of laid side by side, looking at each other. I said something romantic to him like "Let's go get some pizza. I'm starving."

And we did. It was just another one of those things in our relationship that we laughed about later. And made numerous inside jokes about. "Cover your eyes!"

The end.


Ed Adams said...

Great, as usual, Sal.

I found myself plugging through till the very end.

Puns intended.

One Sassy Girl said...

Umm... I need more details. How'd it feel? Did you like it? Do it again? I'm dying here. My gay friends have told me but they have a prostate!!

p-huong said...

I never thought I'd laugh this hard about butt sex. Only you could have pulled this off. Bravo, bravo.

I'm still laughing at the last picture... ::successful fist motion:: and "...I love you."

Valerie said...

You are hilarious my dear. And the funny thing is that my fiance and I committed that particular sin as well last night. We use the gel astroglide and I consume alcohol for lubrication :)

jules said...

I'm with Sass. Are you going to do it again? More details!

NWO said...

Sally, I just laughed my ass off. What a wonderful end to a fine weekend. You rock!

Philtron3030 said...


Thanks for this gem...sending you the check.

Personally, I am not a fan of buttsex. Why buttsex when you are an inch from the most glorious spot in the universe?

It is kinda like driving when you could fly. Making pancakes when u own a waffle press. Or Monster vs Redbull in a YagerBomb. Just not the same...

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

OSG beat me too it. Was it any good and have you done it since and was it better? come on woman, details.

Shaunak said...

Oh man! A perfect start to the day. That was plain hilarious!
Thanks Sal!

Surge said...

YES! I love it.

adrienzgirl said...

You are so funny.

Thanks for sharing an intimate moment with humor! :P

Momma likes, Love!

katieleigh said...

haha I'm glad it was so lighthearted, I think serious anal sex could potentially be very confronting :)

Hunter said...

That name tag was just fantastic.

Great post.

ladytruth said...

You're right about the expecting things to be great and they turn out to be underwhelming, but at least you got a great memory and we got some Dean and Sam along the way. Everyone's happy.

otherworldlyone said...

Lube always makes me laugh.

Fantastic story, chick.

Soda and Candy said...

I don't think anyone should have sex with someone they can't laugh about it with, it's the best!!! You two sounded so cute together.

Hannah Miet said...

Definitely the cutest anal sex story I have ever read.

Did I just say "cutest anal sex story?"


Imnotbenny said...

Hannah just commented that you told a really cute anal sex story.

How the hell do you follow a comment like that.

I need dibs on first comment, or something.

I guess I'll just give a double thumbs up to the screen and call that a day.

So here:

Richard said...

Regular sex will make your day, but anal sex will make your hole weak!

Dutch donut girl said...

Awww, I love happy endings :)
Great post!

bluzdude said...

Anyone that starts a post by dropping a Tom Lehrer quote is 'aces' with me.

And then it got even better! Not only did you make everyone laugh, you wrecked'em.

Sally-Sal said...

Persistency pays off. Or silent gives consent?

It was...different. I ended up doing it again (with him). It was different, that's about all I can say about it.

That last picture is a winner :) And to top it all off, the delectable Jared Padalecki. Always a win.

I fucking love you. I'm high fiving you right now, you bad ass!

Well...I haven't done it since him. He was my first love, and there are things I'd do with him that I have no regrets doing. If I met another guy who was up to par, I just might take the dirt road again.

I'm glad you liked it, darlin! Making you laugh is always high on my list. :)

So, you pretty much had me from "glorious hole".

The first time was the worst, and it wasn't that bad. After that, it got better. Like Vals said, lots of wine for lubrication.

Glad you liked it, darlin :)

Heh. My brain just exploded from dirtiness. :P

Hey, thanks for stopping by! It took awhile, but I finally finished the story of da butt.

Serious anal could have prison overtones...

I could make you one, if you like...?

I'm glad you appreciated the Sam and Dean. It just wouldn't be butt sex without two hot guys in the mix :)


He really was one of a kind. Nothing ever seemed wrong, ya know? Like, I'd get all these crazy ideas and he'd just kind of go along with it. It was awesome.

Hannah Miet:
Your comments always make me laugh. Thanks for being fucking fabulous. I love you.

You are hereby afforded 'first comment' status. Forevs. Cause you're my boy, and I love you in a totally 'you're my hetero lifemate and internet pal kinda way'.

I have no idea what to say to that.

Dutch Donut Girl:
I love the new picture! Hawt.

I love that song. I think it was originally written about me. By Cupid.

Mr. Condescending said...

You're a brave soul Sal, may your ass be blessed by the butt gods.

reinventingsandyb said...

You're like, my hero.

Oh, and the label - "ANAL SEX WITH HIM MIGHT HOSPITALIZE ME" - superb.

Maryx said...

OMG your brave and you made me laugh out loud!! Literally!! =D

Good one. Good memory. Brave.

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