Tuesday, November 24, 2009

No jaw, one hole.

Me and my sister have the kind of conversations that most sisters don't have. Last night, we were driving around the park, and I asked her, "Do you remember that article we read about teenagers soaking tampons in vodka and doing beer bongs in their butt?"

Without missing a beat, she says "Yeah."

I continue on, "Well, not to pretend like I've given it a lot of thought, but actually I have given it a lot of thought. If I had to choose, I'd totally choose doing a beer bong with my butt."

She looks over at me, her eyebrows raised in a question. I told her, "Well, a tampon soaked in vodka? In the most glorious of holes? It'd probably burn, and plus, I hear that it could make you infertile. The responsible thing to do is just to take a beer in the butt."

"Just think. Maybe I've gotten my jaw wired shut. And as I'm sitting there, jawless, I decide that I want a beer. My mouth is out of commission. My butt is my only option. Then, there's the whole 'who could I ask to help me take a beer in the butt? It's a short list. A list of one. I thought about it long and hard, and who would help me out with this crazy idea?"

At this point, she grins at me, because she knows where I'm going with this.

"That's right. You. I'd call you up, because you would help your sister put a beer in her butt. You're just that person that I could trust to pour beer into my back door. If I had no mouth, and only one hole to pour beer into, I'm gonna need help. And that's why we're family. You'd just do it."

"I'm not talking a six pack or anything. I'm a lady, so I'd only do one beer. Just one. And then I'd probably drink the rest of the sixer."

At this point, her best friend sitting in the back seat cracks up at my whole "Just one beer because I'm a lady" logic.

I turn to look at her, and said, "Yeah. Just think about it, if you guys were stranded somewhere, and the demands of your captors were 'take a beer in the butt--or someone dies!' you could totally call me up. I would sacrifice my butt, and one beer for your lives."

And that's why I'm a great sister.

24 comments:

'Cuz I Felt Like It! said...

You are an amazing woman!!! I wish you were my sister.

Imnotbenny said...

That would be the most finicky captor EVER.

Wouldn't you have to stand on your head until you got a buzz? Otherwise you're just looking at the most unpleasant beer powered squirt gun in the world, right?

Sally-Sal said...

Cuz I felt like it:
Thanks gangsta! You're pretty badass yourself :)

INB:
Nope. There's no liver to filter the beer through, so it's like this: beer goes in the butt...5...4...3..2...drunk. Although you would have that squirt gun.

adrienzgirl said...

I have these kinda conversations with my husband. Just the other night he stole one of my lines, and I told him, you just totally ripped my snark off. He replied without missing a beat "The only thing I have ever stolen from you is vagina juice."

jules said...

It is totally the responsible thing to do!

kiki said...

judging by the drugs i've stuck up my arse i think the vodka would be better than the beer

i'm temtped to try this now...

bluzdude said...

And as the beer is being...uh... administered, I can just see some drunk wobbling in and saying, "I'll buy a drink for the girl with the big pink cheeks!"

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

You ARE a great sister!

otherworldlyone said...

My sister would never bong a beer in my butt. LUCKY!

I'm thinking I'd have to go with the vodka soaked tampon though. ESPECIALLY if it makes you infertile. Those bastards thought they could keep my plumbing running against my will. HA! Thanks to you...I win.

You're awesome. Lovins.

JennyMac said...

LOL...I will add this to the list of things I would never do for my brothers. You are a much better sister than I.

Danielle said...

You are truley a nut! :)

Ed Adams said...

You have just invented either a New Fetish or a New Drinking Game.

I haven't decided which one yet.

Kuddos

Mudwig said...

snorting beer does the same thing but without having to tell the world you have an ass fetish (especially for your own).

ps pics would help a lot next time.

p-huong said...

I've heard of kids smoking Smarties and now drinking alcohol through your digestive tract?!?

Now, if you REALLY wanted to be classy, you'd funnel wine up your arse.

Maryx said...

That's what family is for right?! =D

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