Me and my sister have the kind of conversations that most sisters don't have. Last night, we were driving around the park, and I asked her, "Do you remember that article we read about teenagers soaking tampons in vodka and doing beer bongs in their butt?"
Without missing a beat, she says "Yeah."
I continue on, "Well, not to pretend like I've given it a lot of thought, but actually I have given it a lot of thought. If I had to choose, I'd totally choose doing a beer bong with my butt."
She looks over at me, her eyebrows raised in a question. I told her, "Well, a tampon soaked in vodka? In the most glorious of holes? It'd probably burn, and plus, I hear that it could make you infertile. The responsible thing to do is just to take a beer in the butt."
"Just think. Maybe I've gotten my jaw wired shut. And as I'm sitting there, jawless, I decide that I want a beer. My mouth is out of commission. My butt is my only option. Then, there's the whole 'who could I ask to help me take a beer in the butt? It's a short list. A list of one. I thought about it long and hard, and who would help me out with this crazy idea?"
At this point, she grins at me, because she knows where I'm going with this.
"That's right. You. I'd call you up, because you would help your sister put a beer in her butt. You're just that person that I could trust to pour beer into my back door. If I had no mouth, and only one hole to pour beer into, I'm gonna need help. And that's why we're family. You'd just do it."
"I'm not talking a six pack or anything. I'm a lady, so I'd only do one beer. Just one. And then I'd probably drink the rest of the sixer."
At this point, her best friend sitting in the back seat cracks up at my whole "Just one beer because I'm a lady" logic.
I turn to look at her, and said, "Yeah. Just think about it, if you guys were stranded somewhere, and the demands of your captors were 'take a beer in the butt--or someone dies!' you could totally call me up. I would sacrifice my butt, and one beer for your lives."
And that's why I'm a great sister.