I had that dream again. The one where I'm getting ready to sky-dive. Only, instead of jumping from a plane, I'm on top of a giant hill, with dozens of other people. So, I guess it's more of a base jump.
After watching a few people jump (and more than a few lose their nerve), I'm wound up.
I'm stressed, panicky, thinking that I can't possibly do this.
Everyone else has jumped, except me. I have my hands tightly gripping the shoulder straps of the parachute I'm wearing.
I start to walk away from the summit, I start to walk toward the stairs, leading back down to the base. I start to quit.
As I'm walking away, something in me refuses to let go, refuses to give up, refuses to walk away.
I turn, and start to run toward the edge. As I'm running, I can hear the people watching (who have decided not to jump) cheer me on. I see the edge approaching, and I run as hard as I can, and swan dive into the waiting air.
The next instant I'm falling. Falling, falling, falling, and oh what a deliciously delirious feeling it is. It's joy, exhilaration, ecstacy, hope, and knowing that I have picked exactly the right decision at exactly the right time. It's the ecstacy of perfect recognition. The feeling that I have become the woman I was always meant to be.
Part of me almost doesn't want to open the chute, because it will mean an end to this headlong rush, this intoxicating fall, but it is a fall of my choosing. I have made this happen, by sheer force of will.
At the last minute, I pull the cord, and the chute opens. Instead of the rushing winds flying past me, I am floating.
The closer I get to the bottom, I can make out the figures of people. I realize that I know them. They're the people who have made a difference in my life. Teachers, friends, strangers, loved ones, family members.
And they're all shouting encouragement.
Even now, sharing that makes me blink back tears.
I wish I could describe, and share, that feeling of exhilaration that this dream gives me.
It describes everything about me.
After I finally reach the ground (in my dream) there is one difference. One very notable difference.
Standing, waiting to meet me is my mystery guy. Before I can see his face, he pulls me into his arms, his heart beating just as crazily as mine.
And that's all.
