Friday, December 17, 2010

If it snows

For the first time in the five years he's been gone, I feel it lifting.

I miss him a little bit every single day, and sometimes there's a darkness to it, a hurt place that just can't heal. When I think of him it gets twisted up in my heart and my throat, and I can't swallow and I can't breathe and I can't think.

But today, it might snow. Probably it will. And I can remember the time we built the snowman. We built the snowman, because we were both home from work. Some kids from the neighborhood came over and helped us gather snow, and I can remember how red his nose was. I remember how he laughed, and threw snowballs at me. How he tackled me into the snow, and tickled me until I couldn't breathe from laughing so hard. The wind was so cold, his hands were cold, but I was warm.

I hate December, and it's an unfair hatred. December never did anything to me, but it was the month that missing him ate me up from the inside.

It was looking at the presents I had for him, and not knowing what to do with them. I kept them for months afterward, almost like I thought he would be back, and to throw them away or give them away would be me betraying him.

December was a thousand different things, but mostly it was the glaring whiteness of nothing. I'd always thought that nothing would feel empty, but the weight of nothing was heavier than I could bear. The nothing spilled out into days that seemed to last for years. The minutes agonizing, each hour pounding away at my temples, beating me into the ground with the weight of nothing.

Today it might snow. And the thought of snow is what brings me here, to this place that I never thought I'd get. Not healing, because you can't put a band-aid on heartache, but something more. Something like acceptance. Something like peace.

It might snow today. I'm hoping that it does, because I'd like to walk in it, the flakes dancing on the wind. I'd like to just watch the way people slow down when it snows, the way that people are kinder to each other when it snows, as if the weather brings out the courtesies we normally avoid. I'd like to walk in that snow, the only thing to accompany me being whatever is in my pockets and the last three or four footprints behind me.

I'd like to tell him that he changed the way I look at every single thing, but he probably already knows. I'd like to tell him how much I miss him, to thank him for showing me what love could be. I'd like to be able to just bury my face in his shoulder, to feel him hug me one last time.

I'd like that a lot. But I no longer need it.

It might snow. Might. And for now, that's enough.


light208 said...

Jesus. I always think that no-one else could know how I feel, but you put it into words that I would never have thought of.

This is an amazing piece of writing!!

Starlight said...

That is amazing, I really like the way you wrote this story. I almost cried while reading and I felt your pain.
I'm glad you don't need his hug anymore. But it's nice to keep the memories.

Baglady said...

Really beautiful writing. I love the imagery of the footprints behind you just three or four paces.

otherworldlyone said...

I agree with baglady. So beautiful. And the footprint image was my favorite too. Along with the weight of nothing.

Ah. You made me want snow. And I usually can't stand but a minute of it and then I want it gone.

Fluid Idleness said...

That's right. It's time to make new memories in the snow. Just for you.

etoile said...

This honestly gave me goosebumps. This is the essence of lost love; a feeling that is all too familiar.

Shopgirl said...

I have felt this way but couldn't write this well. Thanks for sharing it so eloquently.

I am a recent follower and would appreciate a visit to my blog and a comment or two:

slommler said...

This was written so beautifully. It captures that feeling of loss so well.

PM Taylor said...

This brought me to much needed tears today ... Beautifully articulated. Your December snow is my February rain, and reading this lets me know that, in time, the need and sorrow may lessen ...

Thank you for sharing ...


Technogran said...

We have all felt this experience and feeling of loss when someone who was so close they were almost part of you is no longer there. Like an ache inside that never goes away so I am glad that you are moving onto the next chapter... enjoy the snow!

Bth said...

I felt this loss with you, it was so beautifully written. People imprint on our lives, and it spills out into the things around us, so you can't help but notice them everyday - especially when they've gone. I am sure he does know how much you miss him.

Dan German said...

Love it x

kmdelacruz said...

So beautiful.

Fiona said...

I can't find any words. But I understand and I'm sending you the biggest hug, Sal.


pilgrimchick said...

I entirely understand how you feel--and I have been there more than once. I am glad to hear about how things are improving. Bring on the snow!

The Lissst! said...

Wow. That as amazing. You give the reader a place at the table. Right next to your own thoughts and feelings. I was great, really!

Sharon Longworth said...

Beautifully written. I've been sitting here cursing the snow and all the things it's stopping me doing, but you've given me a different perspective and something much more meaningful to think about - thank you.

Maryx said...

This is really working on my heart strings today. Thank you. I needed to read this.


jerrod said...


I know this post comes from a deep place in your heart... And being able to sit with you and get a sense of that heart tells me just how wonderful you are.

The snow is coming again.

caterpillar said...

Gosh, this is such a beautiful story...some people come into our lives and leave their marks behind...It was a very touching story...thanks for sharing.

just-a-girl said...

what an amazing and beautiful story .

Shopgirl said...

I passed an award to you on my blog, please stop by and check it out when you can. Thanks and happy holidays

caterpillar said...

Merry Christmas, Sally

ladytruth said...

I've been gone for about a year and a lot of things have changed since then, but it's good to know that some didn't; one being the fact that you can always find some good writing over here. It's good to read you again, Sal :) Merry Christmas

runawaybride said...

This is amazing writing. The description is perfect. I can just feel everything as if I were you.
Great work!
Happy New Year 2011.

The Mad Fat Girl said...

Happy New Year! I've just picked you for an award. Do check it out and pass it on! :)

Robbie Grey said...

Beautifully written. Very poignant.

Sally-Sal said...

Thank you for your kind words :)

No matter what happens, I'll always be glad for the memories.

Sometimes all I need is just those few footprints, to remind me where I've been, and where I'm going.

You're going to have to come down here when it's cold sometime. I'm going to take you sliding down the hill. It's scary and so much fun at the same time :)

fluid idleness:
You are exactly right. There wasn't much snow that day, but it was enough.

It was, a love that I wouldn't trade for anything, even knowing how it turned out.

I'll be sure to stop by, thanks for the follow :)

Thank you so much.

pm taylor:
I'd like to hear about that february rain sometime...

It is like an ache, you are absolutely right. But then there are the memories that soften that ache, and time...

I'm sure he does too. He was absolutely extraordinary in every single way.

dan german:
I'm loving your music, as well :)

Thank you so much :)

I have missed you! And your hugs are always held in high regard. Love you, Fi.

I love the snow! There wasn't much, but I enjoyed it immensely.

the lissst:
It's because of the readers that there is a table. :)

You always leave the best comments. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You're more than welcome. (hug)

If my heart is as big as you think, it's because of him. :)

thank you for stopping by and reading my story! And Happy New Year to you :)

thank you so much.

How I've missed you!!!!

I really appreciate your kind words. Thank you so much.

mad fat girl:
Thank you for the award, that's just lovely :)

robbie grey:
Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm glad you liked my story :)

downfromtheledge said...

it is astounding how oppressive nothingness can feel. the glaring nothing where there used to be a something.