[Narrator]
Today is the twenty-ninth day she's been missing. For the first time since she disappeared, Jared didn't wake with this thought in his head.
When he and Mike set out to canvass some abandoned buildings in the woods, Jenna has firmly made up her mind that it's her time to die.
She's always heard the phrase 'so and so died happy'. She firmly believes that's a crock of shit. Nobody is happy to die. But she's made her peace with death. Death is preferrable to the hell she's found herself in.
This time, when she looks at the door leading out of what he calls her room, and she thinks of as her cage, she sees the door slightly ajar.
Last time, it was a test. Or, more likely, a game.
Last time, blind panic and fear were with her.
This time, she's made up her mind that she will get out of this room, or she won't. The look on her face is something like peace.
If it's her time to die, she's made her peace with it. She'll carry Jared with her. Even though he's miles away from her, Jenna knows he'll be right there with her. She has begun to cry quietly, taking one last time to think of Jared.
She remembers him laughing at her, sitting beside her in the Blackbird, kissing her, loving her.
She knows that he is the great love in her life. He is her love, her heart, her happiness.
She's going to leave this room, and every step she takes is one step she's taking toward Jared, toward home, toward love and sanity and happiness.
She takes a deep breath, wipes her eyes, and slowly opens the door.
----
[Jared]
Since Jenna has been gone, Jared gets one classic rock song after the other stuck on a loop in his head. Today is no exception.
Today's song is Tuesday's Gone, which is one song that makes Jared quiet, withdrawn, and he ends up singing it under his breath as he walks along, looking for Jenna. Always looking for Jenna.
Train roll on many miles from my home,
See I'm, I'm riding my blues away, yeah
Tuesday, you see, she had to be free
Realizing that he was singing out loud, Jared laughs, although he knows that in five minutes time, he'll be singing the same song.
----
Seven hours later, and they still haven't found shit, so they decide to go eat dinner. Mama C has been keeping them fed since the night of Jenna's birthday, and she insists that they both take lunches on the rare occasions she isn't there to fill them up with her home cooking.
As Jared climbs into the passenger seat of Mike's pickup, he gets a call on his cell. It's a number that looks familiar, but isn't saved into his phone.
He answers.
----
[Narrator]
On a long stretch of dirt road, Deputy Cole Alston is running radar. That's his official reasoning. Unofficially, he's texting.
As he reads the latest text message from his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend, he sends back an angry reply. He's told her before that he can't always answer her immediately, and they're having this fight. Again.
He's boiling mad, and as he throws his phone into the floorboard (knowing that the next time it chimes with a new text, he'll be picking it back up), he notices something from the corner of his eye.
Something moving in the woods. He sees a flash of white, thinking it might be a deer, and is shocked when he sees it's a young woman.
He gets out of the warm cruiser, and just as it starts to snow, she stumbles toward him, looks directly into his eyes, and faints.
----
When Jared answers his phone, it's Trooper Northcutt. Jared has told himself this call might happen, but he's not prepared for it.
He's so sure that Trooper Northcutt is telling him that they've found Jenna's body, that he says, "Wait, wait, wait." It's all he can say, and when Mike takes the phone from him, he lets it go.
He sits as Mike listens. When Mike hands him his phone back, he twists in the truck to look at Jared. He takes Jared by the shoulders, and says, "Jared. They found her. They fucking found her."
Jared grabs Mike's shoulders, and they both shake each other, whooping and yelling. Jared feels the weight in his stomach lift. He's starving. He's happy, and he can't quit grinning.
Mike guns the engine and they drive toward the hospital.
Goodbye, Tuesday.
----
next
Showing posts with label Mike. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mike. Show all posts
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
Blackbird Song (14)
In life, there are so many doors to choose from. There are the doors that keep us out, the doors that let us in. There are the doors that open to the dreams we only glimpse when our hearts ache for happier times.
Doors that open to warmth, welcome, love.
Doors that close and bring cold, uncertainty, pain, loss.
The chapters of any life path can be determined not so much by what your doors keep out, but with what you have the strength to let in.
----
[Narrator]
Mike turns out to be a God send. He's not only efficient, disciplined, and highly organized, he has an intensity that keeps both of them going long after they're both exhausted.
Mike doesn't have an ounce of quit in him.
On the second day that Mike joins Jared's search for Jenna, (the thirteenth day she's been missing) he packs them both supplies, GPS, maps, and they continue searching.
They continue searching on the fourteenth, fifteenth and sixteenth days.
And the seventeenth, which somehow turns into the twenty-fifth day.
They plot out their course each day, waking at 5 a.m. and searching until almost midnight each day.
At first, Jared merely tolerates Mike's presence. After their fourth day of searching together (and two weeks since she's been gone) he's grateful for Mike, not just for his help, but his unwavering conviction that they will find her.
Their shared belief that she's alive, the days they both spend searching, their combined exhaustion, all of these factors are enough to make them friends.
----
Twenty-seven days.
It's a Sunday.
Jared has pushed this date back in his mind. He's refused to think about it (or so he tells himself). It's the kind of thought that creeps in at every opportunity. It's the sore place in his heart that his mind just can't leave alone so it will heal.
It's the thought that has nagged him out of sleep, that has ate at him, this is the thought that his frantic mind has worried over, lost sleep over, and it's the thought that urges him on, when he's too exhausted to see.
Today is Jenna's birthday.
----
By mutual decision, Mike and Jared have both decided that this is their day of the week to rest.
Neither of them mention the significance of the date, but it's at the top of both of their minds.
Mike invites Jared over to his parents house, Jenna was close to both of them, (Mama C and Daddy G, Jared thinks) and they were family to her.
He wants to go, because that's what Jenna would've wanted, but at the same time he doesn't want to see anyone. He wants to sit here in this house, he wants Jenna to come home, he wants to tell her he loves her, and he wants to never let her out of arms reach.
He tries getting up, then sits back down.
He stands up again, walks over to the radio, and turns it on. He's dialing through the stations, when he hears a knock at the front door.
Standing outside is Mike's mother. Otherwise known as Mama C.
Jared manages a half-hearted smile, and invites her in.
Before he realizes what's going on, she's marching him towards the door, then towards her car, and telling him that she's taking him to her house for Sunday dinner. This 5'1 woman is marching his 6'4 frame out the door as if he was a wayward eleven year old.
Before he knows it, he's buckled into her passenger seat, and they're on their way to her house.
----
On the drive over, she tells him, "Sugar, she wouldn't want you to be alone. And she's not here to celebrate her birthday. Trying to forget it isn't going to help, either. We're going to celebrate her birthday for her, since she can't. You know that's what she would want."
Hearing her say the words that he's been dreading, Jared nods. He clenches his jaw, and looks out the window, determined not to cry. He blinks back the tears that are scalding his eyes, just barely, then he manages to say, "Okay."
----
At the farmhouse, Jared and Daddy G are standing on the front porch. Mike hands Jared a beer as soon as he walks up, and Jared murmurs a quiet thank you.
Mama C ushers them all into the living room, and tells them that her birthday present to Jenna is this old video Jenna found.
The original video was too badly damaged to play, but Mama C was persistent. She found a place that salvaged the video, and converted it to DVD.
She was telling this story, even as she lowered the lights, and started the DVD player.
On the tv screen, Jared could see baby Jenna. He saw her big brown eyes. Her hair in soft curls, that bounced brightly, as she ran after a dog.
The way she threw back her head, even as a toddler, and laughed with her whole body. He sat there, his heart beating so loudly, he was sure they could all hear it.
He saw her, his love, at the beginning of her life. He saw even then, just how beautiful she'd always been. She was perfect, and good, and true.
She was the kind of person that you couldn't help but like, after meeting her, and the kind of person that you couldn't help but love after knowing her.
And she wasn't here.
She wasn't here to see how much everyone loved her. Jared felt his chest hitch, and something that had been squeezing his heart tore loose. He got up, determined to try to hide his tears, when he ran into Mama C. She pulled him close gently, whispered, "Shhh, sugar. It's okay. Shhhh. You don't have to hide your tears with us."
He wrapped his arms around her, cried soundlessly. The tears poured out of him, and he felt the hot tears wetting her shirt.
Her calm, cool hands soothed him, and after a few minutes the worst had passed. He looked down at his feet, embarrassed, until he saw Mike and Daddy G, both with suspiciously wet eyes.
Mama C took Jared's hand, and sat him beside her at the dinner table.
----
Around the dinner table, it's a glum affair. Everyone is picking at their food, until Daddy G says, "Did I ever tell you about the time Jenna helped me haul hay?"
Jared raised his heard at that, exchanging looks with Mike. Neither one of them had heard this story.
Daddy G continued on, "Yep, It was the summer Mike went down to Ft. Benning to do his basic training. I had the hay baled, and I was looking for some hands. Jenna was here with Cathy, they were making some Sangria, and --"
That's when Mike interrupted him. "Mom! You drank sangria?" Cathy (Mama C, Jared thought) blushed. "Well, Jenna wanted me to try it. It didn't taste like any alcohol I ever had, and it was good," she added defensively. "It made my face warm, and it made me giggle," she said, winking at Daddy G.
He grinned back at her, and then continued on, as if the interruption never occurred.
"Jenna heard me making my phone calls, and she told me she'd help me."
"'Course, I asked her if she had any experience hauling hay, and she just laughed at me. 'Daddy G, I grew up on a farm, she said." "And that was that. I told her to be ready around 4 a.m. and we'd just haul us some hay." He took a drink of his coffee, his eyes wistful, amused.
"When I went to pick her up, she was wearing overalls, had her hair tied up in a bandanna, like some kind of a gangster, and she was wearing a tank top."
Mike, and both of his parents burst out laughing at this last little bit. Daddy G looked at Jared, "Anyone who's ever hauled hay knows that you want long sleeves," he explained. Jared grinned, thinking of Jenna and the way she would help in any way she could. She probably knew that Daddy G would never let her help, especially knowing she'd never hauled hay before. She also knew that he needed her help.
Jared found himself grinning, even as tears burned in his eyes.
When someone like that is in your life, you get used to having them around so much, that if they leave, it gets you in a thousand different ways. Just when you think you've braced yourself, it hits you again.
When Jared looked up from his hands, Daddy G was watching him. Jared could see him waiting to go on. Jared nodded to Daddy G, and he continued.
"She'd said to me 'Daddy G, I grew up on a farm', not 'Daddy G I've hauled hay before," Daddy G grinned at Jared, and Jared shook his head, laughing.
"I told her, 'you're gonna need something to cover your arms, sis, or that hay's gonna rash you up."
"She got herself into some long sleeves, and she brought out a thermos of coffee for me, and some of those bull drinks. Red bulls, I think she called 'em. She gave me one, but it just tasted like cough syrup mixed with sprite," he grimaced. "When we finally got to the hundred acres, I tried to talk her into driving the truck while I stacked the hay."
He paused, for effect. "But you know how she is. She insisted on me driving," he laughed. "She actually did a bang-up job. Once she'd made her mind up to be good at something, she just was," he recalled fondly.
"In fact, she had me convinced that she might've hauled some hay before."
"Anyway, it was about noon, and we'd gotten all that hay put up in the barn. I remember looking back at Jenna, when I turned around, I saw her just fall backwards off the truck."
"I ran around to see if she was okay, and she was jut laying there. She'd managed to get herself heatstroke."
"When she came around," his eyes gleamed mischievously, "She said to me 'Daddy G, I wasn't meant to be a fucking farmer."
Jared and Mike broke up laughing at the same time. Mama C tried to hold out, but she ended up laughing until tears spurted from the corners of her eyes.
A few times, Jared tried to guilt himself into feeling bad, but Mama C was right there to nudge him. Once she even said, "Jared, you know she'd want you to celebrate her birthday for her, since she's not able. She'd be mad at you for feeling guilty." Jared nodded, and Mama C hugged him close.
As the night wrapped up, Jared found himself feelig warm for the first time since Jenna went missing.
For the first time, he felt a part of himself relax. For the first time in twenty-seven days, he could breathe.
Even though he couldn't see her, he wished with all his heart that she knew just what she meant to him.
He wished for her to somehow break free of where ever she was, to find him, to find her way home.
With that wish firmly in his mind as he drifted off, he fell asleep.
----
Jared's wish didn't come true on Jenna's birthday.
It happened two days later.
next
Doors that open to warmth, welcome, love.
Doors that close and bring cold, uncertainty, pain, loss.
The chapters of any life path can be determined not so much by what your doors keep out, but with what you have the strength to let in.
----
[Narrator]
Mike turns out to be a God send. He's not only efficient, disciplined, and highly organized, he has an intensity that keeps both of them going long after they're both exhausted.
Mike doesn't have an ounce of quit in him.
On the second day that Mike joins Jared's search for Jenna, (the thirteenth day she's been missing) he packs them both supplies, GPS, maps, and they continue searching.
They continue searching on the fourteenth, fifteenth and sixteenth days.
And the seventeenth, which somehow turns into the twenty-fifth day.
They plot out their course each day, waking at 5 a.m. and searching until almost midnight each day.
At first, Jared merely tolerates Mike's presence. After their fourth day of searching together (and two weeks since she's been gone) he's grateful for Mike, not just for his help, but his unwavering conviction that they will find her.
Their shared belief that she's alive, the days they both spend searching, their combined exhaustion, all of these factors are enough to make them friends.
----
Twenty-seven days.
It's a Sunday.
Jared has pushed this date back in his mind. He's refused to think about it (or so he tells himself). It's the kind of thought that creeps in at every opportunity. It's the sore place in his heart that his mind just can't leave alone so it will heal.
It's the thought that has nagged him out of sleep, that has ate at him, this is the thought that his frantic mind has worried over, lost sleep over, and it's the thought that urges him on, when he's too exhausted to see.
Today is Jenna's birthday.
----
By mutual decision, Mike and Jared have both decided that this is their day of the week to rest.
Neither of them mention the significance of the date, but it's at the top of both of their minds.
Mike invites Jared over to his parents house, Jenna was close to both of them, (Mama C and Daddy G, Jared thinks) and they were family to her.
He wants to go, because that's what Jenna would've wanted, but at the same time he doesn't want to see anyone. He wants to sit here in this house, he wants Jenna to come home, he wants to tell her he loves her, and he wants to never let her out of arms reach.
He tries getting up, then sits back down.
He stands up again, walks over to the radio, and turns it on. He's dialing through the stations, when he hears a knock at the front door.
Standing outside is Mike's mother. Otherwise known as Mama C.
Jared manages a half-hearted smile, and invites her in.
Before he realizes what's going on, she's marching him towards the door, then towards her car, and telling him that she's taking him to her house for Sunday dinner. This 5'1 woman is marching his 6'4 frame out the door as if he was a wayward eleven year old.
Before he knows it, he's buckled into her passenger seat, and they're on their way to her house.
----
On the drive over, she tells him, "Sugar, she wouldn't want you to be alone. And she's not here to celebrate her birthday. Trying to forget it isn't going to help, either. We're going to celebrate her birthday for her, since she can't. You know that's what she would want."
Hearing her say the words that he's been dreading, Jared nods. He clenches his jaw, and looks out the window, determined not to cry. He blinks back the tears that are scalding his eyes, just barely, then he manages to say, "Okay."
----
At the farmhouse, Jared and Daddy G are standing on the front porch. Mike hands Jared a beer as soon as he walks up, and Jared murmurs a quiet thank you.
Mama C ushers them all into the living room, and tells them that her birthday present to Jenna is this old video Jenna found.
The original video was too badly damaged to play, but Mama C was persistent. She found a place that salvaged the video, and converted it to DVD.
She was telling this story, even as she lowered the lights, and started the DVD player.
On the tv screen, Jared could see baby Jenna. He saw her big brown eyes. Her hair in soft curls, that bounced brightly, as she ran after a dog.
The way she threw back her head, even as a toddler, and laughed with her whole body. He sat there, his heart beating so loudly, he was sure they could all hear it.
He saw her, his love, at the beginning of her life. He saw even then, just how beautiful she'd always been. She was perfect, and good, and true.
She was the kind of person that you couldn't help but like, after meeting her, and the kind of person that you couldn't help but love after knowing her.
And she wasn't here.
She wasn't here to see how much everyone loved her. Jared felt his chest hitch, and something that had been squeezing his heart tore loose. He got up, determined to try to hide his tears, when he ran into Mama C. She pulled him close gently, whispered, "Shhh, sugar. It's okay. Shhhh. You don't have to hide your tears with us."
He wrapped his arms around her, cried soundlessly. The tears poured out of him, and he felt the hot tears wetting her shirt.
Her calm, cool hands soothed him, and after a few minutes the worst had passed. He looked down at his feet, embarrassed, until he saw Mike and Daddy G, both with suspiciously wet eyes.
Mama C took Jared's hand, and sat him beside her at the dinner table.
----
Around the dinner table, it's a glum affair. Everyone is picking at their food, until Daddy G says, "Did I ever tell you about the time Jenna helped me haul hay?"
Jared raised his heard at that, exchanging looks with Mike. Neither one of them had heard this story.
Daddy G continued on, "Yep, It was the summer Mike went down to Ft. Benning to do his basic training. I had the hay baled, and I was looking for some hands. Jenna was here with Cathy, they were making some Sangria, and --"
That's when Mike interrupted him. "Mom! You drank sangria?" Cathy (Mama C, Jared thought) blushed. "Well, Jenna wanted me to try it. It didn't taste like any alcohol I ever had, and it was good," she added defensively. "It made my face warm, and it made me giggle," she said, winking at Daddy G.
He grinned back at her, and then continued on, as if the interruption never occurred.
"Jenna heard me making my phone calls, and she told me she'd help me."
"'Course, I asked her if she had any experience hauling hay, and she just laughed at me. 'Daddy G, I grew up on a farm, she said." "And that was that. I told her to be ready around 4 a.m. and we'd just haul us some hay." He took a drink of his coffee, his eyes wistful, amused.
"When I went to pick her up, she was wearing overalls, had her hair tied up in a bandanna, like some kind of a gangster, and she was wearing a tank top."
Mike, and both of his parents burst out laughing at this last little bit. Daddy G looked at Jared, "Anyone who's ever hauled hay knows that you want long sleeves," he explained. Jared grinned, thinking of Jenna and the way she would help in any way she could. She probably knew that Daddy G would never let her help, especially knowing she'd never hauled hay before. She also knew that he needed her help.
Jared found himself grinning, even as tears burned in his eyes.
When someone like that is in your life, you get used to having them around so much, that if they leave, it gets you in a thousand different ways. Just when you think you've braced yourself, it hits you again.
When Jared looked up from his hands, Daddy G was watching him. Jared could see him waiting to go on. Jared nodded to Daddy G, and he continued.
"She'd said to me 'Daddy G, I grew up on a farm', not 'Daddy G I've hauled hay before," Daddy G grinned at Jared, and Jared shook his head, laughing.
"I told her, 'you're gonna need something to cover your arms, sis, or that hay's gonna rash you up."
"She got herself into some long sleeves, and she brought out a thermos of coffee for me, and some of those bull drinks. Red bulls, I think she called 'em. She gave me one, but it just tasted like cough syrup mixed with sprite," he grimaced. "When we finally got to the hundred acres, I tried to talk her into driving the truck while I stacked the hay."
He paused, for effect. "But you know how she is. She insisted on me driving," he laughed. "She actually did a bang-up job. Once she'd made her mind up to be good at something, she just was," he recalled fondly.
"In fact, she had me convinced that she might've hauled some hay before."
"Anyway, it was about noon, and we'd gotten all that hay put up in the barn. I remember looking back at Jenna, when I turned around, I saw her just fall backwards off the truck."
"I ran around to see if she was okay, and she was jut laying there. She'd managed to get herself heatstroke."
"When she came around," his eyes gleamed mischievously, "She said to me 'Daddy G, I wasn't meant to be a fucking farmer."
Jared and Mike broke up laughing at the same time. Mama C tried to hold out, but she ended up laughing until tears spurted from the corners of her eyes.
A few times, Jared tried to guilt himself into feeling bad, but Mama C was right there to nudge him. Once she even said, "Jared, you know she'd want you to celebrate her birthday for her, since she's not able. She'd be mad at you for feeling guilty." Jared nodded, and Mama C hugged him close.
As the night wrapped up, Jared found himself feelig warm for the first time since Jenna went missing.
For the first time, he felt a part of himself relax. For the first time in twenty-seven days, he could breathe.
Even though he couldn't see her, he wished with all his heart that she knew just what she meant to him.
He wished for her to somehow break free of where ever she was, to find him, to find her way home.
With that wish firmly in his mind as he drifted off, he fell asleep.
----
Jared's wish didn't come true on Jenna's birthday.
It happened two days later.
next
Monday, February 15, 2010
Blackbird Song (13)
[Jared]
She might call. She might.
She's been gone for eleven days and all he has is an ache inside his chest that refuses to go away.
Eleven days, and each day stretches out impossibly long. The hours of no Jenna seem endless.
After he's searched for her all day, he's exhausted, and when he goes home, instead of pacing and plotting out where he's going to look for her tomorrow, he ends up falling asleep. He falls asleep, his head resting on his arms, his arms resting on the map, the map where he's resting all of his hopes of finding her. She's somewhere on that map. He just has to figure out where.
His last thoughts on this side of consciousness are of Jenna. And Jenna. Always of Jenna. And he dreams of her.
----
[Narrator]
His first attention is neglect.
He leaves her in that room with only her broken thoughts, and bruised body.
She thinks of Jared. She can almost see him sitting there with her, telling her that she's going to get out of here. He tells her she's going to be home soon, he tells her to fight, to not give up.
She thinks of Jared, and she pulls her knees up to her chest, hugging them closer to her. She hugs her knees and she thinks of how warm Jared's arms feel when they're around her.
She knows that this is bad, that it may get worse, but she holds her determination with both hands. She holds the image of Jared's face close, and it's thinking of him that she drifts off.
It's the first time she's slept, really slept (instead of just drifting in and out of consciousness) in days, and when she dreams, she's far away from these walls.
She's far away from the cold that sinks into her bones, and aches, she's far away from the broken ribs that stab at her each time she breathes, she's far away from the fear that eats into her heart a bite at a time.
In her dreams, she's warm. In her dreams, the circle of Jared's arms are around her, and he says her name. He says her name and he's looking into her eyes, and she's never noticed just how expressive his face is.
She can read every emotion in his eyes. She sees exhaustion, worry, and love mixed together. She feels his tension, and she raises her hand to his forehead, to soothe the lines away.
She hasn't realized that it's been eleven days, because to her, it feels like eleven years.
For the first time since she woke up here, she's happy. She smiles in her sleep, blessedly unaware of where she is. She takes Jared's smile and holds it as she slips deeper into sleep.
Eleven days in, and they share a kiss in their respective dreams. It's so real that they both remember it after waking.
----
[Jared]
When Jared wakes up, it's light outside. It's light outside, and he's wasting time sleeping.
While he's showering, he realizes, with a jolt, that he's slept until noon.
As he's yanking a t-shirt over his head, throwing on the jeans he wore yesterday, he hears someone knocking at the door.
His heart jumps, and tells himself not to automatically think it's her. He tries to bury the hope, but ends up running down the stairs, taking them two and three at a time.
He's racing downstairs, his legs are racing, and his heart is racing, his mind is racing, as he slides into the front door, he sees that it's most certainly not Jenna.
It turns out to be Mike.
He can feel his disappointment weighing on his chest, and he scratches his head, while wondering what in the world Mike could want.
As it turns out, Mike wants to help.
next
She might call. She might.
She's been gone for eleven days and all he has is an ache inside his chest that refuses to go away.
Eleven days, and each day stretches out impossibly long. The hours of no Jenna seem endless.
After he's searched for her all day, he's exhausted, and when he goes home, instead of pacing and plotting out where he's going to look for her tomorrow, he ends up falling asleep. He falls asleep, his head resting on his arms, his arms resting on the map, the map where he's resting all of his hopes of finding her. She's somewhere on that map. He just has to figure out where.
His last thoughts on this side of consciousness are of Jenna. And Jenna. Always of Jenna. And he dreams of her.
----
[Narrator]
His first attention is neglect.
He leaves her in that room with only her broken thoughts, and bruised body.
She thinks of Jared. She can almost see him sitting there with her, telling her that she's going to get out of here. He tells her she's going to be home soon, he tells her to fight, to not give up.
She thinks of Jared, and she pulls her knees up to her chest, hugging them closer to her. She hugs her knees and she thinks of how warm Jared's arms feel when they're around her.
She knows that this is bad, that it may get worse, but she holds her determination with both hands. She holds the image of Jared's face close, and it's thinking of him that she drifts off.
It's the first time she's slept, really slept (instead of just drifting in and out of consciousness) in days, and when she dreams, she's far away from these walls.
She's far away from the cold that sinks into her bones, and aches, she's far away from the broken ribs that stab at her each time she breathes, she's far away from the fear that eats into her heart a bite at a time.
In her dreams, she's warm. In her dreams, the circle of Jared's arms are around her, and he says her name. He says her name and he's looking into her eyes, and she's never noticed just how expressive his face is.
She can read every emotion in his eyes. She sees exhaustion, worry, and love mixed together. She feels his tension, and she raises her hand to his forehead, to soothe the lines away.
She hasn't realized that it's been eleven days, because to her, it feels like eleven years.
For the first time since she woke up here, she's happy. She smiles in her sleep, blessedly unaware of where she is. She takes Jared's smile and holds it as she slips deeper into sleep.
Eleven days in, and they share a kiss in their respective dreams. It's so real that they both remember it after waking.
----
[Jared]
When Jared wakes up, it's light outside. It's light outside, and he's wasting time sleeping.
While he's showering, he realizes, with a jolt, that he's slept until noon.
As he's yanking a t-shirt over his head, throwing on the jeans he wore yesterday, he hears someone knocking at the door.
His heart jumps, and tells himself not to automatically think it's her. He tries to bury the hope, but ends up running down the stairs, taking them two and three at a time.
He's racing downstairs, his legs are racing, and his heart is racing, his mind is racing, as he slides into the front door, he sees that it's most certainly not Jenna.
It turns out to be Mike.
He can feel his disappointment weighing on his chest, and he scratches his head, while wondering what in the world Mike could want.
As it turns out, Mike wants to help.
next
Monday, January 11, 2010
Blackbird Song (6)
[Jared]
I decided to leave to go get pizza, so I could give her a chance to put herself back together. Shower, maybe. Call Mike, probably. And maybe to try to figure out exactly what happened between us. And maybe so she could figure out what she wanted to do about Mike.
I remember getting in her car, and just sitting in there. Surrounded by her. I wanted to replay everything in my mind, to examine it, to relive it. I wanted to just live in what we had, even if that's all that would ever be--past tense.
For one brief moment she was mine. I just kept seeing those eyes, the trust in them, that fierce tenderness, her hunger, that need.
She wasn't mine, though. She wasn't mine, no matter how much I wanted her to be.
Resolutely, I put those images away, and started the car.
----
When I got back, she was sitting on the edge of the bed, wearing only a towel, one hand touching the side of her mouth, eyes intent on the movie she was watching. One of her favorites, although she was more of a Reservoir Dogs kind of girl. Never Been Kissed. She'd even made me watch it a time or two.
When she heard me come in, I saw her eyes find her lap, then she looked back to the tv screen.
----
Over pizza, she told me what happened.
I expected it to get ugly.
"When I woke up this morning, he was in the shower," she began. I breathed a deep sigh, if I was listening, then I wasn't thinking about the taste of her mouth.
"I decided to check my email on his laptop, to take my mind off of how badly I needed to pee, and so I could send you a message. My phone was completely dead."
"I read his messenger messages. Maybe that was my intention in the first place," she laughed ruefully, her eyes looking up at me, "maybe I wanted to find something. Anyway, I did find something. His ex-wife. In this hotel, no less."
"She sent him a cutesie fucking message about last night. And blah, blah, blah, her room number. So, I went. I had to see for myself," she said, her voice breaking, "I just had to fucking see for myself. Because that couldn't be happening, Jared. He couldn't want to fuck his ex-wife, especially after everything that she's done. He couldn't want to do that, especially after making me wait a whole year."
"I found her room. Part of me just wanted to walk away, because I was pretty sure I wasn't going to like what was on the other side of that door."
"I ended up standing outside for like, ten minutes. Finally, I knocked. I covered the peephole first, though."
"Want to know what she said?" "She said, 'Back for more?," Jena's tear choked voice managed to make out the rest of the sentence, "MORE! Can you fucking believe that? So, I left."
"I couldn't think of what to do next. I walked around to the Blackbird, and I sat inside and just cried. I cried until I couldn't breathe. I cried until it hurt. When I was able to stop crying, I came here. I just-- I just needed you."
And, incredibly, she laughed. Even as she wiped the last tears out from under her eyes, she laughed. I jerked my eyes back to her face, expecting more tears, maybe lingering sadness, but she was laughing. It wasn't bitter, and it wasn't caustic, it was her real, honest laugh.
She leaned over into me, still holding her slice of pizza. "When I saw his ex-wife, I thought how ugly she made me feel. How small. How...ordinary. She's this beautiful, blonde, perfect Barbie of a woman. Even at eight in the morning. I bet she doesn't even shit. That it's somehow...beneath her," Jenna mused. "That hurt. This whole big shitty mess--hurts. I'm going to cry a lot, Jared. I'm going to drink my feelings, and I'm going to be angry, and I'm going to probably eat my weight in chocolate. But as long as you're here," her eyes went to her hands, "as long as you're here," she looked up at me, tears in those beautiful dark eyes, the kind of eyes that will always be the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen, as dark as midnight, and as beautiful as forever, "I think I'll figure out how to be okay."
----
When she looked into my eyes again, she looked calm. Radiant. Not happy, but the worst had passed. She would still let out a shaky I-just-cried-really-hard breath, and her eyes were puffy, but she had this quiet acceptance. Grace. She was gathering up the broken pieces. She wasn't ready to try to piece them together, but she wasn't trying to cut anyone else with them, either. She was dealing with this in a way no one I knew, man or woman, would've been able to.
----
When we finally went to sleep later that night, she leaned into me, her fingers finding mine in the dark, and whispered, "When I watched the ending of Never Been Kissed earlier today, it made me sad. I wanted to cry."
"When Josie's standing on that plate, waiting, and waiting, and waiting, I felt like that. Only my happy ending didn't show up. I was left waiting on that mound, with no time left on the clock," she paused, the silence growing louder, until she finally spoke again, "that's the worst feeling. Being left."
"But then, when I was trying to figure out what to do next, I knew that there was one person I could count on. But since Jesus is in heaven," she laughed, "and busy... I knew I could let myself come to you, and that you'd be there.
"Thank you," she said, her voice breaking a little. "If I didn't have you, I don't know what I'd do right now. And just like the song says, I could not ask for more. Nite, Jared."
----
next
I decided to leave to go get pizza, so I could give her a chance to put herself back together. Shower, maybe. Call Mike, probably. And maybe to try to figure out exactly what happened between us. And maybe so she could figure out what she wanted to do about Mike.
I remember getting in her car, and just sitting in there. Surrounded by her. I wanted to replay everything in my mind, to examine it, to relive it. I wanted to just live in what we had, even if that's all that would ever be--past tense.
For one brief moment she was mine. I just kept seeing those eyes, the trust in them, that fierce tenderness, her hunger, that need.
She wasn't mine, though. She wasn't mine, no matter how much I wanted her to be.
Resolutely, I put those images away, and started the car.
----
When I got back, she was sitting on the edge of the bed, wearing only a towel, one hand touching the side of her mouth, eyes intent on the movie she was watching. One of her favorites, although she was more of a Reservoir Dogs kind of girl. Never Been Kissed. She'd even made me watch it a time or two.
When she heard me come in, I saw her eyes find her lap, then she looked back to the tv screen.
----
Over pizza, she told me what happened.
I expected it to get ugly.
"When I woke up this morning, he was in the shower," she began. I breathed a deep sigh, if I was listening, then I wasn't thinking about the taste of her mouth.
"I decided to check my email on his laptop, to take my mind off of how badly I needed to pee, and so I could send you a message. My phone was completely dead."
"I read his messenger messages. Maybe that was my intention in the first place," she laughed ruefully, her eyes looking up at me, "maybe I wanted to find something. Anyway, I did find something. His ex-wife. In this hotel, no less."
"She sent him a cutesie fucking message about last night. And blah, blah, blah, her room number. So, I went. I had to see for myself," she said, her voice breaking, "I just had to fucking see for myself. Because that couldn't be happening, Jared. He couldn't want to fuck his ex-wife, especially after everything that she's done. He couldn't want to do that, especially after making me wait a whole year."
"I found her room. Part of me just wanted to walk away, because I was pretty sure I wasn't going to like what was on the other side of that door."
"I ended up standing outside for like, ten minutes. Finally, I knocked. I covered the peephole first, though."
"Want to know what she said?" "She said, 'Back for more?," Jena's tear choked voice managed to make out the rest of the sentence, "MORE! Can you fucking believe that? So, I left."
"I couldn't think of what to do next. I walked around to the Blackbird, and I sat inside and just cried. I cried until I couldn't breathe. I cried until it hurt. When I was able to stop crying, I came here. I just-- I just needed you."
And, incredibly, she laughed. Even as she wiped the last tears out from under her eyes, she laughed. I jerked my eyes back to her face, expecting more tears, maybe lingering sadness, but she was laughing. It wasn't bitter, and it wasn't caustic, it was her real, honest laugh.
She leaned over into me, still holding her slice of pizza. "When I saw his ex-wife, I thought how ugly she made me feel. How small. How...ordinary. She's this beautiful, blonde, perfect Barbie of a woman. Even at eight in the morning. I bet she doesn't even shit. That it's somehow...beneath her," Jenna mused. "That hurt. This whole big shitty mess--hurts. I'm going to cry a lot, Jared. I'm going to drink my feelings, and I'm going to be angry, and I'm going to probably eat my weight in chocolate. But as long as you're here," her eyes went to her hands, "as long as you're here," she looked up at me, tears in those beautiful dark eyes, the kind of eyes that will always be the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen, as dark as midnight, and as beautiful as forever, "I think I'll figure out how to be okay."
----
When she looked into my eyes again, she looked calm. Radiant. Not happy, but the worst had passed. She would still let out a shaky I-just-cried-really-hard breath, and her eyes were puffy, but she had this quiet acceptance. Grace. She was gathering up the broken pieces. She wasn't ready to try to piece them together, but she wasn't trying to cut anyone else with them, either. She was dealing with this in a way no one I knew, man or woman, would've been able to.
----
When we finally went to sleep later that night, she leaned into me, her fingers finding mine in the dark, and whispered, "When I watched the ending of Never Been Kissed earlier today, it made me sad. I wanted to cry."
"When Josie's standing on that plate, waiting, and waiting, and waiting, I felt like that. Only my happy ending didn't show up. I was left waiting on that mound, with no time left on the clock," she paused, the silence growing louder, until she finally spoke again, "that's the worst feeling. Being left."
"But then, when I was trying to figure out what to do next, I knew that there was one person I could count on. But since Jesus is in heaven," she laughed, "and busy... I knew I could let myself come to you, and that you'd be there.
"Thank you," she said, her voice breaking a little. "If I didn't have you, I don't know what I'd do right now. And just like the song says, I could not ask for more. Nite, Jared."
----
next
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