Thursday, May 7, 2009

He came for the kegger



I love this guy. There's just something about him.

I'm not the kind of girl to get silly over actors, but he really cracks me up.

Awesome lines:

We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger (MIB)

In Dodgeball:

Come on! I get better runs in my shorts!

And will someone catch a goddamn ball? It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there!

My sweet dick, it's magic!

I love the smell of queef in the morning.

Listen up, crotch stain. Remember your training, and trust your instincts. You can do it! I believe in you! Bye-bye!


Plus, there's the fact of his DUI arrests. Now, I don't condone drinking and driving, but if you're gonna get a dewey (DUI), get it in style, like my buddy Rip.

I remember watching some of the arrest footage of his first with my brother, the cop. We ended up laughing ourselves silly. In the arrest footage, you can see Rip, hair a la Don King, threatening the police to 'send you all to jail' in his signature voice. Priceless.

Officer: "Your refusal to submit to a test…"
Torn: "I won't say anything until you take these cuffs off."

Officer: "Or portion thereof…"

Torn: "I will not say anything until you take these cuffs off."

Officer: "Can be introduced as evidence against you."

Torn: "I will not say anything until you take these cuffs off… I have witnesses to what I drank, one and a half drinks, okay? Go to hell you guys. Take these cuffs off."


In his latest, he's 77 years old. Now, I don't know how many 70 year olds do that kinda thing, but I'm betting Rip is the kinda grandpa who'd offer you a drink of his Jameson, telling you it'd grow hair on your peach. Or something similar.

In his latest dewey, "He failed part of a field sobriety exam, then gave up after saying the ground wasn't level enough". In my mind, I hear him saying something to the effect of "I'll do your goddamn tests when this road stops moving!"


I'll leave you all with the 5 D's of dodgeball:

Dodge. Duck. Dip. Drive. Drunk.

6 comments:

Brian said...

Rip Torn man...he was the shit on the Larry Sanders show.

Mr. Condescending said...

oh come on the best of rip torn is from freddy got fingered!

"Mike Fitzgibbons son is a nuclear physicist, and my son can eat a chicken sandwich!"

otherworldlyone said...

Nothing like starting the work day with a line like, "My sweet dick..."

I laughed over the whole post, but notice the line that really caught my attention. It's awful, just awful.

Sally-Sal said...

Brian:
I remember that show. And yes, he was.

Mr. C:
It's been awhile since I've seen that one. Daddy would you like some sausage?

OWO:
I do that too. I drove by a building earlier and made a complete stop. What it said "office for rent" what I thought it said "officer for rent".

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Justice Archer said...

Rip Torn man...he was the shit on the Larry Sanders show.