Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I'm like a cat. I always end up on all fours.


Stroke me, stroke me
Give me the business all night long
Stroke me, stroke me
Stroke me, stroke me
You're so together boy
Stroke me, stroke me
Say you're a winner but man you're just a sinner now




When I lived in the city, it was a time of debauchery. When I say debauchery, I mean extreme debauchery: hellbound actions kind of debachery. I mean mad fucky times. I worshipped at the pulsing cock of our Lord, circa 2003.

I had moved away from my ex of 3-ish years, and wanted no part of any kind of commitment. Even a two-year cell phone contract was too much.
I never wanted a relationship with any of my boys from the city, instead, I wanted to bang as many men as possible, leaving a wake of condoms and carnage behind.

Having said that, today I started thinking about John. Poor, nice, disposable John.

I met John through one of my friends who thought that 'John' would be the guy to make me stop my crazy dating ways. He thought John would cure what ailed me. Wrong, buddy. WRONG.

So, one night after work, my buddy calls me up, and asks me if I want to hang out with him and John. A night with my buddy usually equalled drinks, which was always held in high regard. I said yes.

I ended up meeting them in Bricktown, where beers were consumed, stories shared, and I actually sort of liked this John character. For one, he was a Marine. To me, Marine = the kind of guy who could not only kill, but fuck me red, white, and if I was very, very lucky, blue. Ah, the Marines.
Other than being extremely fuckable, John was smart, witty, and had that one thing I looked for in guys at that time: a cock.

After a few more drinks, my buddy left. A few drinks after that, I decided to go to John's Sin Shack, and Semper Fi the shit out of him.

When we got to his place, he ripped my shirt off, which was very hot. We were saying all kinds of terriblydirtyawfulwonderful things to each other, when John decides he will go in for the kill, and throw me some oral sex.
Now, oral sex is great, don't get me wrong, fellas. But at this stage of drunkenness, I just wanted to be (to use Roxy's words) "pounded into the bed".
I wanted him to (thanks Nish) beat it up like I stole something. I wanted him to throw me a fuck the likes of which would end up in the Guinness Book of World Records. Or the emergency room. Either way = win.

He would not be dissuaded, and really wanted to lube up my v-bone with some of his bar breath, so I let him. I started to think about other stuff, when it happened.

When I say it, I mean FUCKING IT. The pain from my no-no was so bad, I thought that maybe John's bed had come equipped with a bear trap. The guy was a Marine, after all.
No bear trap like I'd originally thought. Worse. It was John's teeth. He was chewing up my no-no like it was the gristle on a steak. Like it was a wayward blob of bubbleyum.

What happened next, I must credit to my vagina. Because she wasn't having NONE of that shit. At that moment, I was no longer in charge of things. My vagina stepped up, and took over.
I think I yelled really loud, because John's face came up out of my thrill zone for a moment, and as soon as I saw his eyes, one foot connected with John's cheek bone, the other with his shoulder. And that is how John was launched, catapulted, fucking vagina punched off the bed.

He went flying.

And by flying, I mean it was some fucking Matrix shit.

He hit the wall really hard. And was quiet.
I thought he was probably stunned, and pissed, so I slowly eased my nekkid body off the bed, and looked at him.
He was out cold.

I thought about making a run for it. Maybe wiping my vagina sauce off his face first (I'd watched shows like CSI and knew about DNA), but instead, I shook him. And he slowly came to.

My bubblegum vagina forgotten, I asked him if he was okay. He was. Stunned, maybe slightly concussed, but okay.
And of course, he wanted to know what happened.

Now would've been the time to tell him, right? Maybe something to the tune of "John, a vagina isn't Dentyne." Instead, when he asked me why I kicked him, I told him I saw a spider. Weak.

So, he asked me to stay the night with him (he had a headache--hahahahahahaha). We ended up laying in his bed, and us both being naked, we started kissing a little bit.
I thought I'd even throw him a fuck. I mean, I'd knocked him unconscious, the least I could do is dole out some v. (I know, I'm a fucking giver. If they gave out Nobel prizes for vag, I'd definitely be in the running. Just sayin').

The sex turned out to be fucking amazing. I mean, it was phenomenal. Afterwards, I laid beside him, spent, and then had a horrible thought. What if this amazing sex was the result of his concussion? What if after tonight the magic ended?

So, I did what any good Christian would. I fucked him all night.

I even fucked him under his picture of Ronald Reagan in the living room. I felt it was my duty as an American. Or maybe it was more of a "take that, Alzheimers!"

After all was said and done, John was asleep (sex coma, not real coma), I left.

----

A few days later my buddy called me, laughing hysterically. He ran into John, and they had a nice, long talk about yours truly. John was sporting a bruised cheekbone, and was well on his way to falling for me.

---

The End.

75 comments:

Lily said...

You quote Fightclub in your header and then talk about oral sex?

Consider yourself "followed" my friend :-)

Mr London Street said...

You are a potty mouthed genius savant and I love this post.

Hunter said...

I think MLS pretty much said it all.

What a post...

Philtron3030 said...

While not as brutal, this situation is all too familiar...

Besides the bubblegum part, that's just strange.

Judearoo said...

Oh sweet mother o jaysus that was wicked!!!!

I donno where to start:

He chewed you??!!
You KNOCKED HIM OUT???!!!

*muttered gibberish*

:D

Mighty Hunter said...

You do realize that you rewarded him for chewing on your clit, right? I mean, really.

I suppose every woman after that day has you to thank for his bed play from now on.

Heh. I said bed play. Like soft-core porn or something.

Sally-Sal said...

Lily:
I loves me some Fight Club. Chuck P is mah boo.

MLS:
Thank you, sir. It was partially inspired by your minge story. :)

Hunter:
I am filthy, and I don't regret it. Thanks for reading :)

Phil:
Try being the bubblegum.

Judearoo:
Yes, he was unconscious for a few seconds. But he recovered.

Mighty Hunter:
If it was my clit he was chewing on, he would've probably died from blunt trauma to his headpiece.

And I was just trying to play Florence Fucking Nightengale. In my own twisted way.

Ed Adams said...

He took the whole "eating out" thing literally.

"The Chew, The Proud, The Dentynes!"

Seriously though, where were all the girls like you when I was single in the city?

Andrew: Encore Entertainment said...

This was very ummmm riveting. Where is John now?

Anna G said...

This is fucking hilarious. I'm kind of grossed out but still amusing tale.

omchelsea said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I wonder what the next girl did....

Hannah Miet said...

Of all the things that go wrong with oral sex...TEETH!?

Vagina punch well deserved.

From the O-Zone said...

Ah, those marines. Underneath all the bluster, they're just romantics.

time said...

VAGINA PUNCH is an awsome saying.
Awsome. Hahaha, i love it. I hope he didn't fall too hard, I think you banged him up pretty bad

jules said...

You. Are. Amazing. What a fantastic tale. Why aren't you a writer on Sex and the City????

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

I loved this post. My God woman, I've already fallen for you withouth the sex. Lucky for you.

ladytruth said...

Sex is a battlefield, then? That kick must have been amazing to put him out cold. I'm sure you can squeeze the life out of a guy by wrapping your legs around him really tight, like an anaconda. I wish I had that talent!

Lauren said...

Oh, my. ;)

katieleigh said...

LOL i feel entirely weird, this was confronting but great

'Cuz I Felt Like It! said...

UNBELIVEABLE. That's all I got.

Mega8815 said...

OMG. Teeth? =O
I am at a loss for words.

Stunning story as always!!!!!!

Dutch donut girl said...

Oh sweet heaven above but that's hysterical! In a 'mama said knock you out' kind of way. Maybe John was a vagina whisperer with big teeth? Hahaha....

mysterg said...

Whoa! I'm officially intimidated.

Sally-Sal said...

Ed:
That comment was fucking priceless. Seriously funny shit.

Andrew:
Married, and living happily in California. He found me on a social networking site a few months back, and said some pretty complimentary things.

Anna G:
Thanks. It was pretty gross, though.

omchelsea:
From what John said, she married him...

Hannah Miet:
My thoughts exactly. It was painful, but had its funny side. :)

O-zone:
I know, right? ;)

time:
He was a Marine, he could take a little banging around and still come out a champ. :)

jules:
That was an awesome compliment, thanks! I would make a shitty SATC writer. My stories would involve more 'oh noes' than actual romance.

Tennys:
Actually, Tennys, lucky for YOU. :) And the love is totally mutual. You're a badass.

ladytruth:
Ha! Like an anaconda, huh? I hope I never have to use that talent...

Lauren:
He took 'eating at the Y' too literally.

katieleigh:
He totally made it up to my no-no later.

Cuz I felt like it:
It was one of the worst pains ever. Followed by some of the best fucky times ever.

Mega:
Yep, teeth. Horrible teeth.

Dutch Donut Girl:
He was a terrible vag whisperer.
And I loved LL during his "Mama said knock you out" days. Dayum.

mysterg:
Intimidated? Whatever for?

The Dark Tower said...

I tell you oral is the best way to get to a woman's orgasm if done correctly. My ex being the dominant woman she was made that very, very, clear. :)

otherworldlyone said...

Loved this, love you.

p-huong said...

I wish my time with a Marine was as good as that. He was alright. My friends and I talked about him in the car (we had to speak in Vietnamese so the fool couldn't understand.) I rated him a 6. Maybe I'll have better luck with the Air Force.

Mr London Street said...

Check my blog out. You've won something.

birdykins said...

Here via Mr. London Street.

Fantastic piece. I hope I never have a reason to vagina punch someone and I kinda also hope I do.

sas said...

my vagina is sending yours sympathy.

you could have really chewed him out for that you know.

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Ed: That comment was fucking priceless. Seriously funny shit. Andrew: Married, and living happily in California. He found me on a social networking site a few months back, and said some pretty complimentary things. Anna G: Thanks. It was pretty gross, though. omchelsea: From what John said, she married him... Hannah Miet: My thoughts exactly. It was painful, but had its funny side. :) O-zone: I know, right? ;) time: He was a Marine, he could take a little banging around and still come out a champ. :) jules: That was an awesome compliment, thanks! I would make a shitty SATC writer. My stories would involve more 'oh noes' than actual romance. Tennys: Actually, Tennys, lucky for YOU. :) And the love is totally mutual. You're a badass. ladytruth: Ha! Like an anaconda, huh? I hope I never have to use that talent... Lauren: He took 'eating at the Y' too literally. katieleigh: He totally made it up to my no-no later. Cuz I felt like it: It was one of the worst pains ever. Followed by some of the best fucky times ever. Mega: Yep, teeth. Horrible teeth. Dutch Donut Girl: He was a terrible vag whisperer. And I loved LL during his "Mama said knock you out" days. Dayum. mysterg: Intimidated? Whatever for?

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