Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Mr. Fowler and the Red Light Special

One of the best mentors I've ever had in my life was my science teacher, Mr. Fowler.

He wasn't a touchy-feely type of guy. He wasn't going to wipe your ass for you, or accept any kind of excuses. Dog ate your homework? Too fucking bad, sunshine.
He was a man who expected you to do, not to whine.
Having said all that, he was one of the fairest people I've ever known. Fair, but tough.

One of the things he decided that we would do was learn to classify leaves. I think he described it something like this: "We're going to make a book of leaves that you'll learn to classify. By 'we', that means 'you.' You'll thank me when you're off camping, run out of toilet paper, and know that what you're wiping with isn't going to turn into an oozy rash."


To learn to classify leaves, Mr. Fowler would take us out on nature type excursions. We'd pick a couple leaves off trees, and take them back to the classroom to try to distinguish what they were.

Me and my best friend teamed up to do our book together, and we actually got pretty good at it.
Mr. Fowler would test us, give us random leaves to classify, and such.

A few weeks later, we were almost finished with our leaf classification book, but still needed a few more samples.
Mr. Fowler took the class out, and let us roam around in the woods, finding what we needed.

Me and my best friend wandered off in search of a cottonwood tree, which was all we needed to finish up our book. I was wearing headphones, singing along to TLC's Red Light Special, and humping random trees small enough to wrap my legs around. Some of the trees I pretended were Mr. Fowler.

I saw my best friend out of the corner of my eye at the same time I spotted the cottonwood tree. I could hear her walking up behind me.
As she got closer, I rubbed my ass on the base of the cottonwood tree and told her "Using Mr. Fowler's scientific tree classifying method, I can tell this tree is a cottonwood, simply by the way the bark feels against my ass."

I turned around to ask her a question, and instead, there was Mr. Fowler.

I immediately felt my face turn horribly red. He said "That's nice, Sal, but I don't think the science community will get behind that."
With that, he walked off, laughing.


Later that week, in class, Mr. Fowler was handing our books back to us, I found a note in mine from the man himself. Next to the cottonwood leaf, was a note. "Classified using RLS method--patent pending."
Red. Light. Special.

You dirty boy, Charlie.


Proud Maisie said...

I want to have sex with Mr. Fowler, and I don't even know him.

Politics Chick said...

God Damn, I needed to be in your class.

That was a classic short tidbit of a story Sal.

otherworldlyone said...

Gawd I love these stories!

And I love that song. You put it on and people just start gyrating and touching themselves. Well...I do.

Teacher's pet. ;)

Ed Adams said...

Thanks. Now, I'm sporting a CottonWOOD.

Feel free to classify w/ RLS.

Ms. Case said...

Imagining you humping small trees while listening to TLC was enough to make my day. Oh the things we did way back when!

Good story!

The Peach Tart said...

I love it when someone you wouldn't expect it from, has a wicked sense of humor.

heather said...

The stories about Mr. Fowler are perfection! I love them!

Mighty Hunter said...

Tell the truth, you blushed as red as a stop sign and shook silently with laughter when you read that note.

And then hung the note on the ceiling over your bed.

Sally-Sal said...

Proud Maisie:
He is that hot. Seriously, with that dark hair, those smoldering eyes, he fucking blinded me with science.

Politics Chick:
I always seemed to embarass myself around him. He kinda liked it, though.

I wish! He was in my spank tank for a long time.

That song will do it! It's just so...naughty.

Ms. Case:
Humping trees was an artform. Humping trees while listening to TLC, why that was higher education, baby!

Peach Tart:
He definitely did. I think he might've had a tiny crush on me.
Him being him, he would've never acted on it...sigh.

Mr. Fowler definitely was one hot teacher. Hot, and very, very stern. Which, as I'm Not Benny would say 'is made of win!'

Mighty Hunter:
I grinned really big when I read that, turned around in my desk to look at him, and he grinned right back.

I should've hung that note over my bed.

Imnotbenny said...

God, I love these Mr. Fowler stories. I want all my teachers from now on to be Mr. Fowler.


Sally-Sal said...

He was badass. He was like chicken soup for the soul: scientific edition.

Mega8815 said...

He sounds awesome!!!
Totally someone I'd want for a lecturer! Thanx for sharing... I have a funny mental picture now! HAHA

Sally-Sal said...

He was amazing. Hot, stern, and witty. :)

Jonas said...

We never forget the great teachers.

They stick with us forever.

And thank goodness for that.

One Sassy Girl said...

God woman, you kill me. I'm a scientist and I'll get behind any ass classification system.

p-huong said...

Oh how I love your stories. I'm so glad I wasn't reading this on my commute to work.

The EGE said...

That is an awesome story. This sounds very much like something my bio teacher would do. Also, xkcd rocks.

~~~~The EGE

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