Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Repost-- in honor of my good buddy Steve

Would you believe in a love at first sight
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine

Steve was one of the funniest guys I've ever known. I think he gets credit for coining the phrase "drater."
When we were in school, he had a hate vendetta against the special ed kids.

That sounds harsh, but it wasn't a one-sided thing. They hated him equally, if not more.

There was a woman who adopted about 2-3 special needs children. I never really understood how the state could've okayed that. Because her idea of rehabilitation was making them pick grass. No shit. I guess she thought she was renting a couple of llamas, or lawnmowers, because these kids did lawn work. There was never any suggestion to 'go outside and play', it was always 'go outside and pick grass.'

Soon after finding this out, Steve put them into several 'drater' categories. Grass picker was for the higher levels, and drooler was parcelled out to the more severe cases.

Steve wasn't a bad guy. He mostly left the drater kids alone, but they could sense his dislike, so natch, they would fuck with him.
Little Jeffie H. would hug Steve, or give him a hard shot to the nuts. Somehow, I think the hugging was worse, because he knew Steve hated it. In return, Steve would 'pole' Little Jeffie.
Poling: (this took two people) grabbing someone's legs, and running with them until reaching the flagpole. It was successful when 'your' pole met the flagpole. Hence, 'poling'.
Steve didn't always catch Jeffie, because Jeffie was a runner.

Not long after, one of the drater girls (Donna) developed a crush on Steve. Not a big deal, right? Until she started doing things to get his attention. Like throwing his books down, trying to fight with him, or basically just standing by his desk until he acknowledged her, or told her to go away and pick some grass.

When she finally realized who she was dealing with, she stepped it up a notch. The story I heard was that she gave him a partial haircut with a pair of safety scissors.
Bad idea, Donna.

Steve's retaliation sparked a chain of events that has since gone down in history.

Instead of doing something overt, Steve went for something totally unexpected.

Yes. His retaliation was ex-lax. It kept Donna out of school for at least a day, and that was a happy day for Steve.

Unfortunately, Steve told people of his newfangled drater repellent.
One of the girls in his class took this little nugget of information to the principal, and Steve got into trouble.

And then he left the drater kids alone.



Welcome to Thunderdome.

As Steve was waiting for his dad to come pick him up from school, he had a showdown with the girl who had ratted him out. Stacy.
Things wouldn't have gotten ugly, if she didn't catch him pissing in her mom's van.

That was just Steve's way. If you slapped him, he punched you out. If you broke both his arms, he'd bite you to death. If you told on him for giving Donna ex-lax, he pissed in your mother's van. That was just his way of filling his dance card.

Steve was just finishing up pissing in Stacy's family van, and the Stacy clan must've been lying in wait for him, because as soon as he stepped out of the van, and zipped up, Stacy's younger sister greeted him with a board to the face. She hit him with a fucking board.
By all rights, this should've ended the fight.
Instead, the board hit activated Steve's cage fighting instincts, because when she swung the board at him again, he kicked it out of her hands, and it went flying across the parking lot.

By this time, the mom had made it outside to where her youngest daughter was sparring with the drater whisperer. She yelled at them to stop, but Steve was wound up, he was ready to kick ass and chew bubblegum.
Stacy's sister went for him, and just as she had her claws out, wolverine style, Steve reached into his pocket, pulled out his finishing move, and gave her an equal opportunity k.o.
She did not pass go, she did not collect $200, she went straight to kissing the concrete.

Steve has many more run-ins with the grass-picking society, and when he finally graduated, the special ed department threw a party.


Sally-Sal said...

I don't know if I mentioned it, but in Steve speak, drater = retard spelled backwards.

Hunter said...

That was hilarious! I'll be calling coworkers "grass-pickers" for months.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Surge said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anna G said...

This Steve fellow is awesome. I mean he punched a retard. I completely hated this one retard and he hated me. He started it by pouring milk on me and calling me ugly. I kicked his ass. We had problems through elementary. In high school, they kept his kind in one area. We never saw them except during assemblies and walking around the halls. He gave me dirty looks but he knew I beat his ass.

Surge said...

OMG LMFAO, i was just laughing so hard at this (i read through people archives if i like their blog) cause i was reading it from the first time you posted it. still awsome

Ed Adams said...

Stupid lady! You don't adopt a bunch of Jerry's kids to pick your grass. That's what Mexicans is for.

Mr London Street said...

Very very funny indeed. What's not to love about someone pissing in a van?

mysterg said...

'I've come here to chew bubblegum and kick some ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum.'

Love that movie.

otherworldlyone said...

Still funny. ;)

erin said...

Hahahaha. That was a great post. I think alot of us want to do the stuff that one friend of ours is always brave enough to do.

Or stupid enough...whichever.

Dutch donut girl said...

Bwhahaha... love this post. llamas??? Hilarious! :)

Imnotbenny said...

I've never been mad enough at someone to piss in their van.

I'm putting that one on the back burner.

Imnotbenny said...

In fact, I'm going to go to the nearest parking lot with three full 2 liter bottles of water and plan to glare at everyone while drinking them until someone says the wrong thing.

One Sassy Girl said...

Fair play. They were some scrappy retards, but I guess that's what forced grasspicking will do to you. Steve sounds like a proper legend.

Sally-Sal said...

It's a well-renowned society, I hear :)

Anna G:
You're a badass!

I just had to repost this, in honor of Steve. I missed his birthday, so this was his tribute!

I guess maybe she was just preparing them for long careers in landscaping?

Steve was of the same opinion.

You can't go wrong with some Rowdy Roddy Piper! The alley fight scene was classic. Loved it.

I have at least a thousand other Steve stories that need to be told ;)

Steve was brave, with the occasional stupid thrown in.

Dutch donut girl:
Yep. She thought they were grass machines :)

The wrong thing? Like 'how ya doin?' ;)

He was off the fucking hook awesome. He has many adventures of which I may speak of at a later date :)

p-huong said...

I'm totally adding the word grass picker to my vocab.

Jeeze what grade did this all go down in?

Boy had no shame in fighting girls. I kind of like that.

From the O-Zone said...

My attention started to wander after "poling". I put that down to fear.

somebody said...