Friday, September 18, 2009

David Bowie, Scooby Do (Oh, Jesus!)

When I was younger, sometimes I'd go stay the weekend with my gramma, the Nazi. Being her usual charming self, 'spending the weekend' usually meant there were all sorts of chores she'd cook up for me. Washing windows, cooking stuff, doing laundry, digging a bunker. You know, real gramma/granddaughter bonding stuff.

When I stayed the night with gramma, I always slept in the spare bedroom with the light on. I left the light on because I thought that if I did, gramma wouldn't die on my watch.
That thought kinda freaked me out.
Sometimes when gramma was sleeping, she looked dead. I was of the mind that if I left the light on, death wouldn't come for her.
At the time, it made sense in my 14 year old mind.

Anyway, on this particular night, after the Golden Girls had put gramma to sleep, I went off to bed. And had a fucking awesome dream.

This was during my David Bowie Labyrinth stage. I had the biggest jones for some Bowie (in Labyrinth).

In my dream, it was the scene where Jennifer Connolly and Mr. Bowie are at the ball. Except it was me and Mr. Bowie.












Anyway, I'm dancing with Bowie, and things start to heat up. He's whispering in my ear, and I can feel his no-no warming up my no-no.
Then, he dips me. Our no-nos grind together. It's so awesome, so romantic, that I giggle. Only it's less smooth. [Insert Scooby-Do laugh]

As he's just about to kiss me (or bite my lips off my face--either one) I wake up.

I lay there for a moment, kiddie nightgown bunched up around my thighs, and although I've had a few go-rounds with masturbation, it's never really worked out. And it's definitely never like the women on the few Skinemax movies I've stayed up late to watch make it out to be.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm more relaxed, maybe it's the fact that Bowie preheated the oven, but whatever it is, it feels fucking wonderful. And just as I'm having my first self-induced orgasm, that first sweet honeyed sting of wonderful things in store for my no-no, I hear myself moan "Oh, Jesus..."

It's fucking wonderful, sexy, my heart fucking racing. As my eyes start to roll back in my head, I catch a glimpse of a picture on the wall.

Jesus. Literally, it was a picture of Jesus.

I cover my eyes. Because that, obviously, can hide you from Jesus.

I lay there with my eyes covered, thinking about trying to sham sleep in front of your good friend and mine, the Jesus.
Instead, I slowly peek through my fingers. In this particular picture, Jesus appears to be praying and looking upward.
After my antics, the picture has taken a different perspective. It now appears that Jesus is mid eye-roll.

The end.

31 comments:

Hannah Miet said...

Oh Jesus, literally. That is one of the greatest stories I have ever heard. And I love me some Labyrinth Bowie. Gah. This post has intensely distracted me...

Ed Adams said...

I think I just came a little....and now I want to pray.

Proud Maisie said...

Masturbating with Jesus watching kinda does it for me...
Awesome story, I love it. And lucky you. It took me until I was 17 to be able to work my no-no.

The Peach Tart said...

Jesus approves of masturbation so no worries.

Gorilla Bananas said...

That's actually a form religious worship called The Rapture of the No-no. You can't have the second coming until the first one.

mysterg said...

It could have been worse, it could have been a picture of your folks!

Seriously though, this story made me feel hot.

Secretia Teller said...

What a cute little surprise ending, two surprise endings actually!!

Secretia

Mighty Hunter said...

Damn you, David Bowie. Leave some fun for the rest of us.

John Paul III said...

My grandma had a picture of Jesus giving the Peace sign. I never had the urge to whip it out and stroke it in front of Jesus.

Soda and Candy said...

Aww yeah, Labyrinth David Bowie and his mesmerisingly tight pants.

Nice one Sal! God likes no-no touching, I think, otherwise why would it drive us to say his name???

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

I don't know, I always thought Jesus was kind of hot looking. He could play with my no no if he so chose.

the girl with the pink teacup said...

Perhaps Jesus was also in mid no-no touch when his eye-rolling portrait was painted? Does that count as mutual masturbation with GOD? Because that would be really, really cool.

Judearoo said...

HAHA! That's wickedly funny, Sal. Delightfully naughty as always, girl. :D

Cheesy said...

Oh baby you get a Scooby snack for that story!

Mr. Condescending said...

Very funny! I kinda like reading that better than virgin stories. (Which are always fun as well).

S&C had a great point.

Jesus is the reason for the pleasin!

By the way, abaycircus.blogspot.com gave me and you a big shout out!

Surge said...

This and the comments induced from it remind me of my virgin story. It was awkward, it sucked. Both times.

p-huong said...

I loved how while I was reading this post, my feelings went from, "Aw that's so cute, watching over her g-ma like that" to "HAHAH What an ending!!!"

Your story reminded me of this short film that was included in the DVD of... I can't remember but it was a film with a Spanish title... some thing about your mommma... Anyways it had something to do with a man screwing his housekeeper and the housekeeper covered Jesus's face with her hand.

Imnotbenny said...

I just went from guiltily turned on to laughing my ass off. Nice piece of work.

I thought for sure you were going to say that your grandmother walked in on you, but Jesus rolling his eyes at you is so much better.

Roberta Fleck said...

Well, I can't tell you how life-affirming and reassuring that was. I thought it was just me that had the thing about DB in Labyrinth...

I almost feel to confess to having seen 'Just a Gigolo' now....

(I said *almost*...)

;)

xxx
'berta

Dingo said...

I sooo thought you were going to say that grandma was standing there wondering what all the noise was. Then again, you know Jesus probably told her the next morning. He can't keep a secret.

Argentum Vulgaris said...

I figured out masturbation when I was about 12, I still haven't figured out Jesus.

Great story, probably everyone can relate to it.

I have listed your blog on my Blogger's Cafe, in Library 1, Girl's blogs:
http://avarchives.blogspot.com/

Love it.

AV

Mega8815 said...

Oh hell no that would kill for me in a heartbeat!! Brave girl!

otherworldlyone said...

Let us pray. ;)

Dutch donut girl said...

David Bowie?! Really???
But I used to have the hots for George Michael (during his years with Wham!) so what do I know. :)

Sally-Sal said...

Hannah:
I don't know what it was, the big bleached mullet, the makeup, or maybe the huge bulge, but I fucking loved Labyrinth Bowie :)

Ed:
Ha!

Maisie:
I'm a master of my no-no. And I've always thought Jesus was hot. I mean he does have some killer abs...

Peach:
I'm with you there.

GB:
I'm a firm believer.

mysterg:
It was pretty hot. And then, later on down the years, sometimes I'd think of Jesus.

Secretia:
Happy endings are always welcome :)

Mighty Hunter:
Bowie was smokin hot in that movie. He still gives me a tingle.

JP3:
Jesus was pretty hot. I just imagine him pointing at my no-no, and instant satisfaction.

S&C:
I wonder if they make blow up dolls that look like Jesus? I'm going to hell for sure over that one...

Tennys:
I submit that Jesus is smokin hot. I mean, he had the best genes ever, right?

girl with the pink teacup:
there would be no higher compliment than turning on the son of our Lord ;)

Judearoo:
Thanks! I never thought I'd tell that one, but the Jesus part was too good not to share :)

Cheesy:
(Does scooby laugh).

Mr. C:
That was awesome! I read his blog a lot, but never really know what to say.

Surge:
You had two virginities? ;)

p-huong:
That movie sounds good! Let me know if you remember the title...

Imnotbenny:
If gramma had walked in, she would've had a long conversation about it with her good friend, Jesus.

Roberta:
I've loved the Bowie for many years. And I'm glad I'm not the only one ;)

Dingo:
Jesus kept this one a secret. Probably cause I wasn't exactly legal.

Mega:
At least Jesus didn't tell :)

OWO:
I know you can 'pray' with the best of 'em. ;)

dutch donut girl:
OMG, I about fell out of my chair laughing. Wham.....nice.

Surge said...

"Surge:
You had two virginities? ;)"

It was a complicated rut, it really never seemed to fit.
You'd understand once you heard the full thing, and you probably will sometime haha

p-huong said...

I got it! The short film was called "Me la debes." It was included in the DVD for "Y tu mamá también."

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Sally-Sal said...

Anonymous, you just made my fucking week. Seriously, you can stop by any old time you feel the notion. :)

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