Monday, September 21, 2009
Mom, why does that horse have five legs?
I had a lightbulb moment earlier today. I figured out who Mr. Fowler looks like. Colin Firth.
Mr. Fowler looks exactly like him. Maybe that's the reason I've had a crush on Colin Firth for years, or as I call him when we're alone-- Col.
This is probably the actual expression Mr. Fowler had when he saw me humping that tree:
One of the things me and my mom have in common is the fact that our 'first penis sighting' was the same man. And no, it wasn't my dad.
Mom was a cheerleader, and one day after practice, when they were putting their pom poms up, or doing the splits, braiding each other's hair, smoking tampax, or whatever it is that cheerleaders did, she went into the gym with a few of her friends.
A few guys thought it would be funny to drag one of their teammates out of the shower, pink, dripping wet, and embarrassed.
One of the the things my mom told me was "He was a very big guy." That was her way of telling me he had an enormous horse cock.
This guy had the very apt nickname "Donk". I have no idea what his real name was. He was simply, Donk.
Anyway, Donk was one of my dad's good fishing buddies. On this particular afternoon, it was me, my brother, my dad, and good old Horsecock.
We only fished for a little while, and as we were walking back to our car, the sun was setting.
The sun was setting, I was about five or so feet behind Donk, he was wearing white shorts, walking into the sunset.
It was the culmination of all these factors that gave me my first glimpse of the penis.
I remember looking at him, seeing something swinging vigorously from side to side and thinking "what the hell IS that?"
After puzzling it out for a very long time, I finally just gave up.
[seven years later]
I was a freshman in high school, and for whatever reason, that memory was triggered in home ec. I laughed until I cried. Donk + white shorts + setting sun + epiphany = good times.