Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Amazing Bone

Yeah, I know what you're probably thinking. Something about weiners. But it's not.

That was my favorite book when I was younger.

"You must let this beautiful young creature go on living," the bone yelled. "Have you no shame, sir!" The fox laughed. "Why should I be ashamed? I can't help being the way I am. I didn't make the world." The bone commenced to revile the fox. "You coward!" it sneered. "You worm, you odoriferous wretch!" These expletives were annoying. "Shut up, or I'll eat you," the fox snarled. "It would be amusing to gnaw on a bone that talks... and screams with pain." The bone kept quite the rest of the way, and so did Pearl.


When I was younger, I was firmly convinced that as soon as I fell asleep, all the dolls, stuffed animals, and my brother's transformers and G.I. Joes had wild and crazy parties.
I figured out that they waited until I fell asleep, then they had one hell of a crazy shindig. Snake eyes and Strawberry Shortcake had a thing. So did Jem and Optimus Prime. Some of the cabbage patches liked to color. On my bedroom walls.
I knew all this went on, but, you see, I had no proof.
So, naturally, I decided to sham sleep, so I could catch them.
I remember laying in my bed, my eyes open just a slit, and then I faked snoring.

I ended up faking sleep for so long, it turned into real sleep.

I never got to actually see one of their parties, but I knew they went on. Oh yes, I knew...


When I was in second grade and my brother was in kindergarten, I remember the last day of school.
Being the last day and all, we got to take our school supplies home. There was glue, and those little safety scissors, crayons, and such. I remember never using my 'school' crayons at home. I didn't want to mix them with my 'real' crayons.

Anyway, one day I'm digging through my little desk for something, and I hear a bump in my closet.
I go over to the closet, open the door, and there's my brother. He had the guiltiest look on his face that I'd ever seen.
When he saw it was me, he put his righteous angry face on. "Don't you knock!" he fumed at me, while trying to slide the door, MY CLOSET DOOR, shut.
I started to apologize, but then I saw what he was up to.

For whatever reason, my brother had a problem. An addiction.

He was addicted to paste, and his little habit nearly bankrupted our parents (okay, that's exaggeration on my part).
Since it was the summertime, he was staring two long, pasteless months in the face.
My brother was a genius, and had decided to water down the paste, thus making it last longer.
I think he ended up finding my paste later that summer and having himself one hell of a party.

Glue did not turn into a gateway drug, and he never became this guy:



Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

I'm sure that every time Lady Hem and I are out of the house, the dogs throw a party for all the other dogs in the neighbourhood. Never caught them though.

Ed Adams said...

Where do you think they got the idea for Toy Story. If I was a toy, I would G.I.Joe and sooo tear Barbie an anatomical new one.

Poetry of Flesh said...

Did you ever see The Christmas Toy? That movie had me convinced of the same. The toys were partying down and having musical numbers at night and if I did not express love for each one equally, the neglected one would get all depressed and run away.

...re-reading that, I think I had some sort of stuffed animal complex as a child.

otherworldlyone said...

I used to chew on those silicone packets that came in shoe boxes and purses.

My mom says that's what's wrong with me now.

From the O-Zone said...

I used to chew on my crayons. I didn't have a favorite color. They all tasted good to me.

Mighty Hunter said...

Did your brother eventually graduate to sniffing the "flavored" magic markers.

I fucking loved that shit. Purple, I mean, grape was my favorite.

Andrew: Encore Entertainment said...

I stuck a crayon up my nose when I was a child for whatever reason. My earliest weird childhood memory is when I didn't bring my crayons to school and my teacher said that if we didn't bring them the next day we'd have to to use our blood...I mean...intense much? I was 3/4. That was almost 15 years ago but I remember that clearly. I went home weeping. I was such an ass.

Judearoo said...

No way! I thought that too!! I even nicked me Dad's camera and tried to set it up on a timer to catch the little buggers at it, but to no avail.

The sheer sneakiness of 'em. :)

erin said...

I had the same toys and the same determination to catch them having fun without me...
Jem's a good damn slut, I'll tell you that much.

And I love that book. And amazing bones.

miss. chief said...

we used to pay a guy in my class to eat erasers and glue and dead bees.

Philtron3030 said...

"Glue did not turn into a gateway drug, and he never became this guy:"

Whatever...I would TOTALLY party with that guy.

Soda and Candy said...

I had a book when I was small where a fox bit the legs off a frog who was sticking his feet out from under the blanket. I had to sleep with my feet covered for many years after that.

ladytruth said...

Whenever I tried to fall asleep the only thing I thought about was if I checked under my bed for The Creature and I never slept with my feet hanging off the bed. I think I watched too many scary movies

Gorilla Bananas said...

Well look on the bright side, you didn't catch him playing with himself.

jules said...

I feel like these are confessions. Fantastic childhood confessions and I love them! Also, that fox in the pic looks up to no good!

p-huong said...

Instead of imagining my toys coming to life at night, my mom scared me into thinking shadows would come to life and carry me outside while I slept. She did that so I would stop making shadow puppets and go to sleep. I haven't made a shadow puppet since.

somebody said...