Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Every day I wake up and it's Sunday
Whatever's in my head won't go away
The radio is playing all the usual
What's a Wonderwall anyway?

Because my inside is outside
My right side's on the left side
Cause I'm writing to reach you now but
I might never reach you
Only want to teach you
About you
But that's not you




Last night I called my good friend Carter. Just to hear his voice.
He's that person in my life, that no matter when I call, or what he's doing, he always sounds happy to see me. It's like a little bit of sunshine enters his voice when he recognizes my voice. It's fair to say that he always has this way of making the sun break free of the clouds. He is that person.

If you have someone like him in your life, you know it. I call him when I've lost the light, and all I see is darkness. Hearing his voice is like seeing the light I sometimes miss, and walking toward it. He is my true north.








Sometimes I think he knows this, and other times I'm not so sure.

As we wrapped up our conversation, he was talking to his girlfriend, and had to help her carry in some groceries.

It was about five minutes later that he called me back. I got a big grin on my face when I saw his number, and answered.
He must've pocket dialed me, because at first all I heard was a lot of rustling, and then him and his girl having a fight.

I should've hung up. I know that. I should've just hung up, but I didn't.

----

One of the things they fight about most is probably one of the silliest things to fight about. At least in my opinion.

Carter has this old car that was his dad's. It runs--barely. He's had this particular car for as long as I've known him which has been all of ten years.
This car is very important to him. It was his dad's.
I remember sitting inside this particular car with Carter on the weekends when we were both in our early 20's. We'd sit inside, listen to the radio and drink beer.

It's been one of the major fights in his relationship. She hates this car, hates the space it takes up in the garage, hates its very existence.

I hear them fighting, and he says to her "Babe, this is my dream. I know you don't understand it, but sometimes, could you just go along with it?"

And she says "No. I'm sick of that fucking car."

And then, I hung the phone up. Sick.


And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how





I called him back. When he picked up, I said to him "Do you know that I call you sometimes just to hear you? Because everytime I call, you sound happy. Happy to hear from me. And that's a big deal."


"I just wanted you to know that."


He was quiet for a few moments, then he cleared his voice. "Sal, whoever you decide to end up with is one lucky guy. You have the best heart of anyone I've ever met."


We were both quiet for a few minutes. I asked him "So, you know I heard the fight, right?" He laughed, and said "Yeah, I figured."


The one thing I wanted to say to him, that my lips, my heart, my soul would not let me utter was something I wished with every ounce of me that he knew.
But sometimes we keep things from those people we love, because no matter how much we love them, it's sometimes best not to inflict our feelings on them.
Sometimes, loving someone the most is just letting the pieces fall where they may, and real, true love is wanting someone, that person you really love, to be happy, even if it isn't with you.



What I want most is for you to be happy. I can live with anything if I know that.




25 comments:

Travis said...

Wow.

Just...wow. This hits you right where you live.

jules said...

Awww.

Jodey/Fat Chick Biker said...

Sigh. *nods head*

Painful at times.

Ed Adams said...

That chick's a bitch.

Sal, you're doing your friend Carter a disservice by letting him continue with her.

And doing yourself a disservice for not claiming him as your own.

Either shit or get off.

I forgot the pot.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Another great post but I kind of agree with Ed. Still, it isn't my decision.

Judearoo said...

You SO did the right thing.

If this is to happen let it happen cos its right for you both; not cos you're unlikely to react the same way his girlfriend did re the car.

You care about him and he you, but its NEVER a good plan to replace someone else, let him figure it out for himself. What's more he'll thank you for giving him the space. He must love this girl even if there are problems, if not why would he be with her? And remember, you caught a snapshot of their relationship, not all of it.

What you did took a hell of a lot of strength; truly loving someone is putting their needs before your own.

You should be very proud of yourself, lady. :)

Possum said...

I'm with Travis on this one - so aptly put about touching us right where we live.
I wish you 'enough' Sal

ladytruth said...

Tough one, but sometimes you have to take a hold of some happiness as it doesn't come around twice that often. Do what you must, Sal

mysterg said...

I'm with Judearoo on this.

Sometimes love is about watching someone leave your life.

otherworldlyone said...

Aw, Sal.

Only you know what's best for you. But I've more often regretted the things I never said and wanted to... than the things I did say.

erin said...

Wonderful.

His girlfriend is a bitch. I hate chicks sometimes...some chicks sometimes.

Danielle said...

You have a beautiful relationship with him. Keep it close!

Mighty Hunter said...

One more: You're a good friend. Clearly. Stay close. Stay a good friend. Do what you think is right. Wash behind your ears. Floss.

Okay, those last two were superfluous. Feel free to ignore those.

Shaunak said...

Aw Sal, you've a great big bear-hug of a heart.

It really is difficult, but to truly love someone is sometimes to see them go away with a smile on their face.
Take care.

Sally-Sal said...

Travis:
I think even having people like that in my life to love is what makes me lucky. Not lucky. Blessed.

Jules:
Aw, indeed ;)

Jodey:
Loving someone can be like that :) But totally worth it.

Ed:
He is a man who knows who and what he wants.
I love him, but as one of my dearest friends. For now, that's it. And that's all I want.

Tennys:
I've found that if a man really wants something, he goes after it.

Judearoo:
You are spot on. I would never be able to make my happiness out of someone else's misery. :)

Possum:
Thank you so much. That was just what I needed to hear. :)

ladytruth:
When I meet my 'future', we'll both know. Then mr. future will become mr. present.

mysterg:
You always know just what I'm trying to convey. And I am with you. Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

OWO:
With this situation, it would be the worst possible thing I could do. He truly loves her. So, that's what I want for him.

erin:
She has her moments, but deep down she really does love him.

danielle:
Oh, I do. And thanks for stopping by :)

Mighty Hunter:
Floss. Ha! It made me think of FOTC's Business Time. "That's all part of it--that's foreplay"

Shaunak:
Thank you so much! It's hard to come into contact with great people and not end up loving them :)

Tom Bailey said...

I connected through you from another blog...

Sounds like she is a typical "dream killer". From that womans point of view she is not a dream kiler.

It would be interesting to hear the story she tells her girlfriends about the car...

You have a great blog.

reinventingsandyb said...

Now that is a beautiful love letter. I'm sure he didn't just hear your words, he felt them, too.

Kimberly said...

Wow...I have one of these people in my life - going on 15 years now. His name is Victor & he loves me & I love him - he is my Mr. Big. For whatever reasons - the planets never pull us to one another.

Surge said...

Hmmm... sad, and happy at the same time.

From the O-Zone said...

Sometimes best friends are best as friends. I'm not saying that's the case with you and Carter, but I've lost some best friends by taking it too far.

One Sassy Girl said...

I love your big heart and your ability to take a step back and let things go as they may go... but we only live once and, in my eyes, there's not much time for passivity.

Granted, I'm not there in the situation, so just consider you've got two options in life: Play in the game or sit on the sidelines and wonder if you'd have hit the board.

Stopping ALL sports references now, promise.

I don't even like sports.

reinventingsandyb said...

Hey... hello? hello? Time to post again. Puh-lease...!

kranki said...

You don't think he could be happy with you? Would the nice dynamic you have now become tainted in some way?

JennyMac said...

Tough situation Sal...I hope he (and you) get the happiness and the right person you deserve. Perhaps that is one another?

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