Monday, October 5, 2009

On why kids are wrong for me.

I grew up on a farm. When I tell people that, they usually laugh, but it's true.
When I say farm, I mean cows, pigs, chickens, all that good shit.

I can milk a cow with my bare hands. Or, as it's known in some circles "molest the juice out of them."

Having that kind of childhood was badass. You get to co-exist with the miracle of life on a daily basis.





When I was 9-ish, my uncle shared a few things with me. One of those things had to do with the birthing process.
Now, my uncle wasn't one of those guys that had a fountain of knowledge, he was more of a Ron White type. Full of bullshit, with a scotch in hand. Take it away, Uncle Kevin!


"Isn't it crazy how cows eat that afterbirth shit?"




Me: (nodding head vigorously) "GROSS!"




Uncle: "Too bad you have to do the same thing when you pop out some kids, Sal.
(smokes cigarette thoughtfully)
Your mom had to eat your afterbirth.
And your brother's
And your sister's.

Why do you think me and Jamie only have one kid?"




Me: I. Will. Never. Have. Kids.




Uncle: I think that's for the best.




----

29 comments:

Lana said...

i ever had to hear something like that in my formative years i'd be childless too. but i think the farm life sounds amazing, cow juice and all.

From the O-Zone said...

No kids, huh? Does that mean you just have sex for fun? Golly!

(Golly? Did I really write golly? Where the f^@# did that word come from?)

time said...

Scarred.
What a thoughtful, caring uncle.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Uncle's are the best aren't they?

Mr. Condescending said...

Hey I drove by a farm recently and there were tons of little cows chained to these little plastic "cow-houses."

My business partner told me they are for veal, and they don't want the calves to move much so they don't toughen the meat. Any truth to this?

P.S. I laughed at your post :)

reinventingsandyb said...

I. Would. Die.

...and I just vomited a little.

My bad.

J.C. said...

just like Clarice you were raised on a farm....

No. We begin by coveting what we see every day. Don't you feel eyes moving over your body, Clarice[Sal]? And don't your eyes seek out the things you want? answer us Sal ;)

Mighty Hunter said...

But eating the placenta is good and necessary! Just ask Tom Cruise!

Yeah, that's what I got for this one. I'll bring the funny tomorrow. Maybe. If I have time, or enough rye whiskey.

jules said...

Traumatic! OMG.

NWO said...

Wow. Maybe he should be running these abstinence programs.

omchelsea said...

Heck. That's not a bad way to start a lifetime commitment to contraception.

j-face said...

so it's like a runny jello?

miss me dear?

Rita said...

That's good Sal - one more reason for me to take my time finding that right person to have a child with.

I may very well end up with a dog. No eating afterbirth required.

Maryx said...

There.is.no.way.in.hell.I'm.eating.that. Let's just understand that quite clearly beforehand.

But yes I get why you're scarred for life on that one...

Urgh

Hunter said...

Excellent. Now to find a child to whom I can relay this information...

The Peach Tart said...

If I'd heard that, I'd never have had children.

Ed Adams said...

I love it.

My kind of uncle.

I am notorious for saying shit to make my nieces and nephews cry.

mysterg said...

I'm interested to know what it tastes like now.

But not interested enough to consider having kids.

otherworldlyone said...

Oh, don't be silly! You don't have to EAT it. You dry it out and make it a handbag.

At least that's what they said on the radio. Placenta handbags...the next big thing.

erin said...

I never ever thought I'd have kids.
I grew up the oldest of five snotty crappy bratty kids.

And now I realize the only way you happily deal with snotty crappy bratty kids is if they're yours.

Hannah Miet said...

I always thought you were supposed to add it to salsa or something.

Lola Lakely said...

This touching moment with your uncle has caused me to weep uncontrollably at my desk. I left the door open to my office so that the people in the conference room next door would be able to hear it. Yay.

Sally-Sal said...

Lana:
It was awesome. And that little line worked better than any abstinence speech ever. :)

O-zone:
Pretty much. Just for fun. Golly! ;)

time:
He actually told the best stories ever. And had the most creative use of the f-bomb.

Tennys:
Uncle Kevin was a pretty awesome guy. Along with that story, he once told me that high heels weren't a good idea for women. Or, in Kevin speak "Why your Aunt Jamie is such a bitch".

Mr. C:
That's usually how people in cities farm veal. We never did, though. Our cattle were all on a 100 acre stretch.
I've always heard that the veal farmers didn't even let their veal stand up, and fed them only milk.

sandyb:
As long as I didn't have to eat any afterbirth, I was fine. ;)

J.C.:
I just fell in love with you. That comment was the greatest! I laughed so hard.... Well played, sir, well played...

Mighty Hunter:
The best way to keep me away from something is to mention that Tom Cruise thinks it's a good idea.

jules:
For me, it was just part of growing up :)

NWO:
He would make a fortune.
Of course, you'd have to sift through the bullshit, but he would be very entertaining :)

omchelsea:
Word!
It worked better than any kind of high school sex ed class.

j-face:
When the cows ate it, it was more like a floppy, meaty jello.

And yes, I missed you. That goes without saying, though, doesn't it? ;)

Rita:
LOL. I have faith you will find the perfect person, lovely.

Maryx:
It was one of my funniest memories from childhood. :)

Hunter:
It will make them not have unprotected sex, ever. Win.

Peach Tart:
It worked for me :)

Ed:
I think you and my uncle should go out for beers.

But seriously, saying things like just made me have a very interesting childhood.

mysterg:
I have no interest in what it tastes like.
Although, Cindy Crawford saved hers and made pate out of it....

OWO:
I saw some stuff at the salon that was a placenta mask for your hair.

erin:
That is trufax. Kinda makes me think of a George Carlin-ism. "Everyone else's stuff is shit, but your shit is stuff."

I'm sure it's a little different, though. Since kids are people. ;)

Hannah Miet:
Someday, you and I are going to dinner together. You crack me up.

Lola Lakely:
Placenta has that effect ;)

One Sassy Girl said...

Ha!!! Best post, Sal, I really loved it. I've seen far too many afterbirth ingestions in my line of work and it's about the foulest thing ever. They eat it all in one slimey glug. I'm shuddering even now.

Horses have a bonus afterbirth thingy, like a wad of stuff in the afterbirth called the hippomame. Weird thing but seriously funny name.

Oh, and they eat that, too. Yuck.

One Sassy Girl said...

Ha!!! Best post, Sal, I really loved it. I've seen far too many afterbirth ingestions in my line of work and it's about the foulest thing ever. They eat it all in one slimey glug. I'm shuddering even now.

Horses have a bonus afterbirth thingy, like a wad of stuff in the afterbirth called the hippomame. Weird thing but seriously funny name.

Oh, and they eat that, too. Yuck.

p-huong said...

I would have believed anything at that age. I was afraid to go to the bathroom at night because a classmate told me about Bloody Mary. I would have been scared shitless out of having kids too.

By the way, placenta handbags? Check this: http://momscookiejar.blogspot.com/2009/10/new-baby-gag-gift.html

ladytruth said...

Now that is the cheapest birth control I have ever heard of in my life. Your uncle is awesome!

Drew B. Dope said...

We need to get that man another drink. This one is on me. Let story time continue. Thanks!

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