Sunday, October 11, 2009

There's a reason Sodom and Gomorrah burned for that.

Shannon Hamilton: I use that to fuck them some place very uncomfortable.
Brodie: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?
Shannon Hamilton: No. More like someplace girls dread

So, when me and my best boyfriend (bff--just for this post) had been together for almost a year, I was somehow convinced that something committed couples had was just beyond us. It could be ours, if we wanted.

Butt sex

Okay, wait. I know it's probably more of a guy thing to say, than something a girl would own up to, but hear me out.

I guess part of it was the fact that I expected that sometime during our first six months, he'd burst into the bedroom (maybe through the wall like the kool-aid man) with a fist full of lube, maybe one of those big old lottery checks, and gleefully announce "Let the ass fucking begin!" while balloons and confetti fell from the ceiling.
(That'd be me--grinning on the right, btw)

That never happened.

I kinda wondered about it, maybe because I'd watched a lot of pornography. Maybe because of my guy friends. When I'd ask them what their significant/insignificant others were getting them for their birthdays, they'd always say something hilarious about sodomy.

I wondered about it one night as the sexual festivities were wrapping up. I leaned over, looked at him, and said "Babe, do you ever think about, well, you know...putting it in my butt?"


When he stopped choking, er, laughing, he asked me where the hell that came from. I shrugged, and told him the truth.

What I said was something to the tune of "I think it would bring us closer as a couple, and I've never done it."

He was more like "Sal, this isn't something you have to, so don't feel like it is. I love you."
After I listened to him and his little speech, I asked him if we could try it.
He finally agreed, but 'only if it was what I really wanted." And one more disclaimer. If I was really determined to do this, I'd have to initiate it.

Which made me wonder... Had he ever met me?

Three or four days later, we met up in his bedroom again. I think I said something sexy to him like "Get thee behind me, Satan!"

The reaction I was hoping for was something like this:

or this:

maybe even this:

His reaction was more like this:

This is the first part of what is going to be probably a two part story. So, tune in next time for the exciting conclusion of the Sodomy chronicles.


Hannah Miet said...


You kill me with this cliffhanger.

Part two. Now!

But, seriously. I love that you are covering butt sex on a blog. There have been some ballsy blowjob posts, but this is the first asstastic story I've seen on these internets...unless you consider porn a story...

Imnotbenny said...

This was the funniest post I have ever seen from you. I laughed my freaking ass off.

It feels inappropriate to say I can't wait to hear the end of the butt sex story, but there it is anyway.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Uh-oh. Something tells me that your vagina is going to feel pretty neglected in the coming weeks.

Hunter said...

I'll definitely be tuning in for the conclusion on this one...

j-face said...

ooooh, butt sex. bringing people closer since 0 B.C.

Judearoo said...

Too too funny, lady! Waiting for part two with bated breath. :)

'Cuz I Felt Like It! said...

You're fuckin' nuts. That shit HURTS. A finger...maybe....a

Soda and Candy said...

Girl... kudos to you for sharing on this topic! Looking forward to Part 2.

jules said...

OMG! You better continue this tomorrow!!!!! I can't wait to find out what happened. Also, the pics were so funny and fitting!

NWO said...

HAHAHAAHAHAHA! This is great!

Surge said...

I Lol'ed.
You bringer of cliff hangers you.

I don't think.. I don't know, when I think of butt sex I think of that time somebody told me "your shit would like, fall out of your ass involintarily from that point on."

Andrew: Encore Entertainment said...

I have to say the pictures only enhance the hilarity and pure ridiculousness of this post. You really are one in a million!

ladytruth said...

I had to read this post three times as couldn't scroll down fast enough to admire Dean's gorgeous face (Cas is closing in on him with those serious eyes and delicious deep, hoarse voice) and then I had to wipe the drool off the keyboard so I could actually type again. Thanks for making my week :)

Jonas said...

OK. I admit it. You got my attention.

AEW said...

Butt sex is the first step to becoming a better couple. Step two would be the first lesbian show, followed be the third and final step: An uncomfortable post-break-up arrangement of no-strings (but not really) intercourse. Its worth it.

Proud Maisie said...

Oh you have tickled me this morning! Thank you very much.
Arse fucking. Nothing like a good arse fucking... Though for the longest time, I pretended I didn't like it, in the hopes that a boyfriend would just force me anyway. The force part makes it so much more awesome. I don't recommend the "Oh no I don't do *that*" method. I had to wait, ummmmmm, 10 years for a man to see through my ruse.

Dutch donut girl said...

OMG, you are killing me here. Hahaha! Can't wait for your next post. Butt sex was never this funny.

otherworldlyone said...

I'm still laughing...hahahaha...oh fuck. You are awesome.

I said what, what in the butt!

Ed Adams said...

Butt Sex?

What's that?

Is that like prison sex, but without the stainless steel toilet in your face?

reinventingsandyb said...

ok. i officially have a girl crush on you. and not because of the butt sex thing.



Shaunak said...

hahaha! That was hilarious.

For some reason I can't stop staring at the first pic.

And you're ballsy.
(my new favourite word)

Philtron3030 said...

"That would be up the butt, Bob"

From the O-Zone said...

Tune in next time? Well, I'll be waiting and I don't want to hear any ifs, ands or butts - you have to deliver.

adrienzgirl said... are one little buttastic biatch!

That is all.

miss. chief said...

HAH can't wait to hear the end of this one. i had a similar far anyway

Mighty Hunter said...

You're incredibly courageous for putting this out there. Very proud of you and your strength and commitment to being true to yourself.

(Wow. I didn't nearly as much typing this comment as I did reading your post. I have been thwarted!)

Mr. Condescending said...

Incredibly funny post Sal, great job and we are all so waiting for part 2 haha. "Get thee behind me satan"

mysterg said...

Butt sex - it's like forbidden fruit!

Can't wait for part two, unless of course it ends with a prolapsed asshole...

Jeanette said...

Oh for gawd sakes! I'm reading your blog for the first time and now I gotta follow it. You better produce babes or I'm going to be so disappointed.

sAm said...

Too fucking funny. I'm waiting. I want to hear the rest. Now.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

I've only ever had anal once and I can't say that I really enjoyed it. I certainly enjoyed this post more. There's a quote for you, 'Sally Sal's posts - better than anal sex - tennyson ee hemingway.'

Judearoo said...

Something for you on my blog, honey! :)

otherworldlyone said...

I keep coming back to look at the pictures and laugh.

Cookie said...

His reaction is too funny! I've never tried that either ;)

One Sassy Girl said...

As if I needed another reason to love you more. I'm too chicken for butt sex but I love your gumption. And this post with the clips/pics was hilarious. You're my idol.

p-huong said...

I thoroughly enjoyed the graphics. Can't wait for part two.

somebody said...