Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Mobile Porn Changed My Life...

Phil, from The Mad Olive wrote me an awesome guest post. He is the kind of guy your gal Sal would definitely find herself drinking with any night of the week. I give you Phil at his absolute best:





Mobile Porn Changed My Life…

Endless vaults of foot fetishes, water sports, massive cocks, and your favorite midget fantasies. Internet porn has changed my life, as many others. Follow me through the progression of porn:

• The Spank Bank
• Magazines
• VHS Tapes
• Dial-Up
• DVD
• DSL
• Mobile Porn

The Spank Bank:

Women doubt its existence. Men understand its power. The Spank Bank consists of mental images and past experiences used for stroking delight.

Sadly, internet porn is slowly driving the spank bank to extinction. An ancient relic of the past still hardwired into every man on this planet. Apparently vagina has its ways.

Leave us alone in the woods for a week, and I guarantee the spank bank will be called into action. Past girlfriends, one night stands, that girl at the bar last night. It all gets filed into the spank bank for future circulation.

Magazines:

Magazines run $5.99 a pop if not more. Than you run the risk of your mother/sister/wife/aunt/grandma/etc finding crates full of random porn. Fucking sux...Watch how pissed your white girlfriend is when she finds the latest issue of “Ebony Beauties.”

My mother once got so angry she decided to toss my collection in the river. She usually threw everything cool in the river. I accused her of littering…she accused me of polluting my mind. Did she realize the cost involved in that porn collection? Of course after a few weeks with a magazine, the ROI dramatically improved. I would say 4-5 good beat sessions is worth the $6.

VHS Tapes:

VHS allowed us to watch porn backwards. Hit the rewind button, and viola, reverse fucking! This made for great party favors and laughable moments with the guys. God forbid the VCR ate the tape leaving a tangled mess of film smut. Funny the family got a new VCR every week…

Dial-Up Sucks:

Along came the internet…holy shit. The internet changed the porn experience. Cumbersome magazines, VHS tapes, and Sears Catalogs all bundled into one click of the mouse. BRILLIANT! Well…almost brilliant. Dial-up usually meant you could get through three full pictures before finishing the job. I remember opening 10 full size pics, making a sandwich, eating, and then beating off once they were all loaded. Due to technology, the idea of “instant gratification” had not quite taken off…but there was more to come (literally).

DVD and The Money Shot:

The DVD changed the game of porn discretion. That massive VHS collection downsized itself into a small CD Booklet. Hell, you can hide a CD book anywhere.

Plus, we were introduced to new technology like “The Money Shot” scene. Find yourself climaxing before the scene ends? Hurry, skip one scene forward and shoot like a Pornstar!

Decent DVD’s run about $20. Or hit the discount rack. Here you will find 4 hours of non-stop goodness for $5.

Mental Note: 4-Hours of porn for $5 always SEEMS like a good idea. Trust me…that is low bottom barrel trailer park Busch Light slamming porn. To some, this is classy…to most, splurge for the $20 video. Out of 4 hours, you may get one decent scene. My buddy once bought 4 hours of a threesome on top a MOUND of dirty laundry. Seriously?

Along came DSL

Our current situation…Lightning fast porn streaming directly into every American home. Some call it sinful, I call it awesome. Really brings a tear to the eye. Grannies, trannies, and fatties…Groups, women eating soups, and giant boobs for your viewing pleasure. What more could you want?

Mobile Porn Changed My Life…

I was equally content with going home, streaming videos, and stringing together a nice beat session until something happened. The iphone. Do you realize the power? Do you realize how many people are beating off in public now? Solo road trips just got a lot shorter…and that’s fucking awesome. The best spots to maximize your mobile experience:
• Long road trips
• Doctors offices
• Vacation with the family (no laptops)
• Work lunch breaks
For the most part, you get the idea. I am totally happy to drive you guys on this road-trip through porn progression. Thank you to Sal for being awesome, and all you guys for supporting her. Look to see you in the future, and no I am not a total pervert, only half way…

22 comments:

'Cuz I Felt Like It! said...

Fuckin' genius! The evolution of porn.

Rebecca Welch said...

Fabulous!

Ed Adams said...

That's alot of shifting.

You're liable to get carpal tunnel.

Make sure you switch off.

The Peach Tart said...

That rocked.

omchelsea said...

you may need more protein in your diet...lol

From the O-Zone said...

I used to love porn. With the Web, I've reached my saturation point. Or maybe it's just because Web porn, and male porn stars, have made me realize that my mother must've been one of the few women who didn't mate with with very large, well-endowed donkeys.

Hunter said...

"Some call it sinful. I call it awesome." -That's just perfect.

Philtron3030 said...

@'Cuz I Felt Like It!
-Thank you...I originally wanted to just talk about Mobile porn, didnt work that way.

@Rebecca Welch
-Thanks!

@Ed Adams
-I'm Not a switch hitter...

@The Peach Tart
-You rock:)

@omchelsea
-HAHA...got that covered

@From the O-Zone
-Isn't it ridiculous? Those big donged bastards make the rest of us look like little boys...

@Hunter
-I call a lot of things awesome, but I truly meant that one!

Lastly, I can't thank Sal enough...props to you, gangsta;)

ladytruth said...

Sally knows all the cool kids, it seems. And the part about men, boys, what the hell - all males, and their stash of porn I have always found fascinating. Like they had to have it or they were missing their acceptance into manhood or something and with this post you confirmed it. Funny stuff ;)

Maryx said...

Stunning post! LMFAO!!!

Shaunak said...

ROFL! fucking awesome chronology man! I skipped a few generations in between though...the goodness of reverse porn eluded me.

otherworldlyone said...

That was the most hilarious thing I've read all week.

The Spank Bank. If every man has one...it makes me wonder how many I'm in. And if I'm drawing interest.

Philtron3030 said...

@otherworldlyone

You need Google analytics of spank bank...therefore you could track your spank traffic:)

13 said...

I am not sure if that's the right-est or wrongest thing I've ever read.

Also...there are other phones that can be used in this capacity.

erin said...

Wow. I'm missing out on all of the above porn outlets.

I feel lost and afraid now.

But don't hold me, I don't know where your hands have been. ;)

Christi said...

Oh Phil, to know you is to love you. Killing me with this. You know how I feel about the Money Shot - can't we come up with something else to call it?

Surge said...

I have a spank bank, yes I do. ;) I think everybody does, haha.
This way reminded me of an experience I had.. have to retell it sometime.

My serious opinion on porn? Too much of it is bad, bad, bad: Those images of random girls/guys in your mind eventually substitute for images of the real deal.

You more than halfway a pervert, Olive. lmao

AEW said...

I believe my downfall is YouTube "porn" and Google Videos. Searching for wet t-shirts and amateur BJ clips have become and easy to find and easy to hide on the work computer. I waste a lot of time doing this.

Philtron3030 said...

HAHA, your work computer?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...thats awesome

Valerie said...

Hilarious. But I've been masturbating in public long before I get mobile porn.

p-huong said...

I was watching Family Guy this morning. In this episode, Quagmire learns about the internet and the massive amount of pr0n out there.

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