Monday, November 9, 2009

If you had one day to live, what would you wish for? A lifesaver!

Some of my best days were my senior year of high school. They were my best, because that was the year I decided to go to boarding school.

I've always been what my mom calls "an old soul". Certain lessons, certain experiences were always within my original equipment.

My senior year, I went through this period of disillusionment. Kind of a 'what does it all mean?' kind of thing.
I realized pretty quickly that I didn't want to live in the same small town forever, I didn't want to just know the same people who lived within that same small town.

I wanted to know what the rest of the world was like. I wanted some new experiences under my belt. I wanted to get away.

Part of it was school in general. I was tired of being the person everyone else thought I was. Teachers, students, friends. I'd grown past the people I knew. I wasn't the same Sal. I guess I wanted more than my life had to offer.


Making the decision to go to boarding school was one of the best decisions I'd ever made. Going there, starting over, let me be the person I knew I was capable of being.
I started over, and it was like being reborn. The better version of myself.
The one who knew how to kick it up.

I played softball while I was there, and it was good times. My coach was one of those no-bullshit types, but he had a deep respect for anyone who could take his shit and dish it back out as good as they got. So, I guess that's my way of saying that he was fond of yours truly.

Also, he never called me by my first name.

One fine day, we were headed to the softball field, and he told us to all change into our cleats, we were going to do some batting practice.
I checked my bat bag, and wouldn't you know it... I was the only person who didn't have my cleats.

I ran over to my coach, and said "I forgot my cleats." He shook his head, turned his hat around backwards and said "LeFlore, I am not surprised." I laughed, and said "Can I go get 'em, or are we going to play grabass all day?"
He bit back a smile, and said "Watch it! Alright, hell. Go get your cleats and hurry it up. If I catch you down there dicking around with the baseball boys (it had been known to happen) you're going to run suicides."

So, I took off, running back to the dorms. I was kind of humming to myself, feeling the sun shining on my face and hair, just feeling pretty fine. Feeling happy to be alive.

As I walked down the hall to my room, I strategically mapped out where my cleats were. I thought they were at the foot of my bed.

I walked to the door, and threw it open wide.


A few weeks before, I'd come home after school to my roommate opening a package from home. She asked me if I wanted some of the candy her family had sent her, and of course I did. I loves the candy.

As I was rooting around through the chocolate, I saw this pack of lifesavers. They were huge. My mouth watered in anticipation, and I picked up the package. I said "Hey, let's break open these lifesavers, hook."
As soon as I said the 'l' word, she said "Hey, let me have that." We grappled for the lifesavers, and then I handed it back to her.

She was kinda embarassed, and said "I don't think you want these lifesavers, Sal."
I assured her that I did, and even started singing about Lifesavers being the candy with the hole. I even did a cute little dance to accompany it.

Then, she opened the lifesavers (which were in this weird case) and showed me what it was.

Yep, I wasn't going to be putting none of that in my mouth.

We kind of laughed about it, uncomfortably, then she put the beast back in its container.

As I threw open the door, I glanced down, and there were my cleats.

The second thing I noticed was that although my roommate was home sick, she didn't look that sick to me.
She was completely naked, and she had that lifesaver for company.

Before the door slammed shut, I was halfway down the hall.

About a minute later, I was running back to the softball field.

My reaction to what I had just seen went from this:

To this:

Back to this:

And back again.

When I finally walked to the softball field, I had tears streaming down my face, and I was laughing like crazy.

My coach took one look at me, and he said "Jesus, LeFlore, what the hell's wrong with you?"
I must've worried him, because he took me aside, sat me on the bleachers and watched me be hysterical for a few minutes.

Finally, when I was able to talk, I told him something bad happened to me.
His eyes grew dark, and he said "What happened?"

I sighed, took a deep breath, and told him.

"I went to get my cleats...and....
my roommate was fucking her dildo...."

At this point, I looked up at him.
His face was very, very red, and as he turned away, he started laughing hysterically.

He laughed like that for about ten minutes. When he finally was able to breathe again he said "I guess you'll remember those cleats next time."
I looked at him, and then we both started laughing.

He said "You can go to lunch early today, LeFlore. Get out of here."

And I did.

I eventually was able to look into my roommate's eyes again. It took about a week, but I managed.

When I graduated, the coach gave me a huge bag of lifesavers.

For a short while after that, I had a problem with doors. Opening them, mostly. It finally ended.


Mr London Street said...

Good to have you back, it has been ages. And this was quite the return.

Jodey/Fat Chick Biker said...

Awesome. Just. Fucking. Awesome.

And never shall I buy a dildo that comes in life saver packaging.

From the O-Zone said...

I've been looking for you. This was definitely worth the wait.

The Savage said...

That's about the funniest B.O.B story I've heard in ages....
A friend of mine is deaf. She was playing with hers when her hubby came home early one night. She threw it in the drawer when she saw his car lights and pretended to be asleep. He nudged her and signed that he can hear....

Hunter said...

That was a great story. Good to see you back.

bluzdude said...

Great story...

I bet your coach still misses you.

p-huong said...

I had a great laugh. Great to have you back.

My best friend got me a vibrator for one of my birthdays... or was it Christmas? I slept over her place. Her apt-mate was out and said I could sleep in her bed. BFF came into the room and handed me the vibrator, "here, use it tonight."

I didn't use it. So the next night, BFF and her GF took my vibrator and used it. "Don't worry phongy-wongy, I'll get you another present!"

Roommate stories are great. And so are ones about toys.

Judearoo said...

Ha! Impressed that you told him what happened, Sal!

otherworldlyone said...

You continually impressed the faculty at every school. I'll bet you're a legend...probably have a trophy.

Your poor roommate. Hahaha.

Great post.

Ed Adams said...

Damn it Sal!

Don't leave me for that long again!

I was getting worried about your crazy ass!

*licks face*

Glad you're back fouly.

Lily said...

I will never, EVER look at a pack of Lifesavers the same again.



Anonymous said...

Great story, dude.
I'm happy too at my boarding school and soccer is my favorite work out. Check out our team news :

Soda and Candy said...


This is why I never had a room-mate (Not that I *knew* this was the reason until now).

adrienzgirl said...

High School? Dildo. O. M. G.

Nice Sal. Nice!

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

It certainly puts a different spin on the 'hole lot more out of life,' slogan, doesn't it?

Brian O'Mara-Croft said...

Don't we all have one of those "I just walked in and my roommate was fucking a dildo" stories? No?

مى said...

Omg that was epic!! Very funny :D

I think if I was ever caught with a dildo, I would be buried alive. (I'm Egyptian)


Kitty Moore said...

Hilarious - thanks for the laugh!

Mighty Hunter said...

So, are you saying that you want lifesavers?

I don't have any, but I can ask around, if you want.

reinventingsandyb said...

A gift:

Philtron3030 said...

Who buys a dildo that comes in a lifesaver package?

I mean, seriously...hard candies remind me of my grandmother which ruins all forms of masturbation.

Sally-Sal said...

@ Everyone:
My roommate never knew it was me that opened that door. I think she thought it was one of the matrons :D

Thanks! It's good to be back :o)

It's best to leave candy packaging to...candy. It confuses things :)

I'm glad you thought so. It's good to see ya around my place.

The Savage:
I wonder if she signs 'oh God' when she comes.

I'm glad you liked it. If my roommate had been a boy, I probably would've just stood there and laughed. Her being a girl made things awkward.

My coach was awesome. I still miss him too :)

p-huong: So can I call you phongy-wongy now too? That nickname made me laugh really hard.

The truth was just kind of ...startled out of me. And he didn't threaten to make me run suicides for the f-bomb, either.

It was only the faculty who were kickass. I was just lucky like that :o)

You know I can't resist it when you call me fouly. That's the stuff dreams are made of :)

Lily: Just make sure they're plural. Lifesavers = good. Lifesaver = not so much.

I had a blast at my boarding school. Keep me updated on yours, yo!

Roommates aren't all that bad. I had a few I really liked.

I know. I think that may be why I do not own one. Maybe it's trauma, ha ha ha ha :)

I like to pretend that lifesaver was saving her life. Or her vagina. Or something.

I'd like to hear yours if you have one ;)

I am the Walrus:
I like your handle. Beatles fan?

You're welcome. I have no filter :o)

Mighty Hunter:
As long as they're not hippie lifesavers. Hippie.

You're awesome, thanks! I'm in the know :o)

At least it wasn't a werther's original vibrator.

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