I was okay, until I noticed that time was slipping away from us. We spent the first part of the night (when it seemed like all we had was time) laughing, reminiscing.
I didn’t want to notice the time, but it was nine p.m. We’d planned on staying up all night, and had a case of Red Bull to help us do just that. I remember how sobering that was; the undeniable hands of the clock, letting me know that soon this would be over. Once it was over, that was it. We both knew that.
You picked up your guitar, strumming it a little. You’d been humming one song all night, and I’d stop to think about it, how familiar it sounded, thinking if I could just slip into my thoughts for a minute, I’d figure it out. You asked me what I wanted to hear and I remember how bright your eyes were, like there were candles behind them, illuminating them. Beautiful.
“I want to hear the song you’ve been humming.”
So you started to sing, our eyes never losing contact. When I heard what song it was, I wanted to take it back. It struck too close to home. I’d liked that song, but hearing you sing it, hearing your mouth sweeten those words, making them like sugared strawberries, it made the song almost unbearable to listen to.
I could feel my heart beating, I could feel it drown out every thought in my mind.
All I could think about was how moments like this happen. Beautiful memories that can be made, or regret that can be carried.
I could feel the weight of your eyes, my heart pounding, because I was afraid.
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
Make you happy, make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love
It’s been so long since I’ve wanted. I could feel the warmth from your eyes, or maybe that was the burning of tears in my own. Maybe you felt it, too, because that was all you sang.
We both sat on opposite ends of the couch. I was thinking about the distance that would be between us all too soon. I could feel the ache of days ahead with no more you, and all the while, that song haunted me, I could still hear it. Worse, I could feel it in your eyes. Your eyes, so intent and intense, I could barely stand to look, but couldn’t stand to look away.
I did my best to try to swallow down the tears, like a fist in the back of my throat. I closed my eyes, tried to swallow all that emotion, and the next moment you were kissing me.
It wasn't soft or sweet, it was raw need. It was everything we couldn't say in words. It was years of love between us.
It was goodbye.