Thursday, July 30, 2015

More of the same

I don't miss them often, but when I do, the weight of homesickness is like a darkness that just covers every bit of happy I've gotten used to.
The feelings I associate with my side of the family are the same as depression.  The aches, the constant uncertainty, and just an overwhelming feeling of sadness.

It doesn't help that I dreamed of my brother last night.  Out of the three of them, he's the one I miss the most.  He gave me my second chance when I lost everything, and losing him hurts the most; he was the one who was able to see the good in me.

In my dream, there was a S.W.A.T. team that pulled up out of nowhere, and as the team was clearing people out of the way, I saw my brother.  There's always that hopeful, but heart-wrenching feeling of love and longing, wanting to be a family again.  That's the feeling I remember most.  Then, he said to his fellow S.W.A.T. members, "Let her through.  That's my sister."
He smiled, and that ache in my heart intensified to that beautiful pain you get when your heart just about bursts from love for someone.

I woke up crying and still can't quite get over it. 

I won't tell you that I don't deserve him not talking to me, that's not true, and I'm not a victim by any means.  I am the queen of fucking shit up.  I just never expected it to be this long, or to last through this many years.

A couple of months ago, he was in the hospital.  I took my twins to see him.  It was the first, and probably last time they'll ever see him.  I didn't realize it at the time, but it's probably the last time I'll ever see him, too.

It's such a waste.  Out of the three of us kids, he was the one with so much fucking potential.
He's always had this charisma, this genuine goodness about him.  He makes friends everywhere he goes, and people love him. 

I remember him fresh out of boot camp, looking for two socks that matched.  One had a big hole in the toe.  I pointed this out, and he said, "If I take my pants off, her eyes will never go past this"(pointing to his thrill zone.)

I remember how he would annoy the shit out of me, and I'd be so angry with him, and then he would make me laugh. I wanted to hold onto being mad at him, but never could.

He had/has the best sense of humor of anyone I've ever known.  I still have memories of his ridiculousness, and although I laugh, it hurts.

Whatever else happens, I'm doing my best to leave this behind.  I can't continue to have this relationship with someone I don't even know anymore.  I can't keep looking back and remembering and hoping that one day he'll let me be his sister again.

I can't keep eating my heart a bite at a time. 



Something meaty for the main course
That's a fine looking high horse
What you got in the stable?
We've a lot of starving faithful
That looks tasty
That looks plenty
This is hungry work-- Hozier