Friday, July 31, 2015
Today has been a day for setbacks.
My first check (highly anticipated) hasn't been direct deposited. My job says they've sent it, my bank hasn't seen it. So, here I sit, broke, and defeated, feeling like I've let my family down, the way I do.
I have the money, yet I don't. There's nothing I can do but wait on banks and finance and sit here and brood and get angry and list to myself the way I am fucking up, yet again.
I am so tempted to just leave work, to quit and walk away. I can't stop thinking about the promises I've made to my children, the plans I had for this weekend to take them on trips, to give them what they deserve.
And I let them down. The way I do.
So, instead of ruining our lives by quitting a job we need, I call home to talk to my two year old twins. My daughter tells me she loves me, and then says the words that stop the dam of hurt spilling out of me.
I tell her things, and never realize what an impact my words have, until I hear her saying something to me that I say to her.
"So proud of you, momma."
And that does it. I can sit here, even though I'll be blinking back tears all day. I can sit here, and I can stay at this job, because I want to make my daughter proud.