Friday, July 31, 2015



Today has been a day for setbacks.

My first check (highly anticipated) hasn't been direct deposited.  My job says they've sent it, my bank hasn't seen it.  So, here I sit, broke, and defeated, feeling like I've let my family down, the way I do.

I have the money, yet I don't.  There's nothing I can do but wait on banks and finance and sit here and brood and get angry and list to myself the way I am fucking up, yet again.

I am so tempted to just leave work, to quit and walk away.  I can't stop thinking about the promises I've made to my children, the plans I had for this weekend to take them on trips, to give them what they deserve.

And I let them down.  The way I do.

So, instead of ruining our lives by quitting a job we need, I call home to talk to my two year old twins.  My daughter tells me she loves me, and then says the words that stop the dam of hurt spilling out of me.

I tell her things, and never realize what an impact my words have, until I hear her saying something to me that I say to her.

"So proud of you, momma."

And that does it.  I can sit here, even though I'll be blinking back tears all day.  I can sit here, and I can stay at this job, because I want to make my daughter proud.

13 comments:

Jonas said...

A powerful post. You are shouldering tough burdens indeed. Methinks you might be a wee too hard on yourself.

Fiona said...

I'm proud of you too my sweetheart. These damn spanners in the works...don't let it over-ride things. Go yell at HR, you'll feel better and we're used to it....plus they should be making sure you are paid.

Sending hugs and love xxx

Sally-Sal said...

Thank you both for your kind words. My check came in today :)

I can't yell at HR, Fiona. I know that you guys get more than your fair share. :)

Travis said...

I haven't had a paycheck for two months now, and won't get paid until the 15th. This hit home for me. Your daughter isn't the only who is proud of you, Sal. :) Here's to hoping we both sit down and write The Mediocre American Novel one day.

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George Hudson said...

This is a really powerful message. This shows that kids are so compassionate and understands much better than we do :)

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Yang Kuo said...

This is a really powerful message. This shows that kids are so compassionate and understands much better than we do :)


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Amen said...

Amen