Thursday, August 20, 2009

angry ketchup

I decided to go to a bbq with one of my friends a couple of days ago. Friends. Friends, friends, friends, friends, friends.

I told him to call me when he parked his truck (my lawn was being mowed) so I could meet him outside.
He called, and as I was talking to him (while walking out) he hung up. Or so he thought.

I could hear him singing to himself as he watched me walk to his truck.

Isn't she lovely
Isn't she wonderful

And that made me smile.

At the bbq, I started talking to his best friend Jase's girlfriend. We were in the kitchen, fixing our burgers. She was making Jase's plate 'just the way he liked it'.

As I was piling the pickles on, she starts telling me about how in the beginning of their relationship, she used to write sweet things (in ketchup) on the bun. Like "I love you", hearts, or "you're a sex master" (okay, she didn't write that, but it's still funny) Being the romantic that I am, I somehow managed not to start cackling right away.
She went on to tell me that they were having problems, she was pissed at him.
Having said that, she held up the bun for me to see.

On one side was 'fuck you' and the other was a crude drawing (in ketchup) of a hand flipping him off.
I lost my shit. I laughed really really hard.

When we went back to the table, I sat across from him, and he asked if there were pickles on his burger.
No pickles.
As he's lifting up the bun, I see him look at the ketchup. The side with the finger flipping him off.
When I saw the look on his face, I laughed.

And laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

And being the adult that I am, everytime I looked at him, I laughed some more.
Until my belly hurt and I wasn't even able to eat.

The end.


The Peach Tart said...

And to think I've spent all these years not knowing the ketchup trick. It's ingenious. I'm so doing this to Mr. Peach Tart the next time he pisses me off.

mysterg said...


I once came home afer a night shift to find post-it notes everywhere..."wash me" and "eat me" and "drink me" etc. Cute I thought.

When I finally climbed into bed and joined my loved one I found a post-it note on the pillow next to her that said "Don't even think about it".

otherworldlyone said...


So...uh...who was *mowing your lawn*?? Brownchickenbrowncow!

Ok, I'm a tard.

ladytruth said...

Relationships: reinventing the way ketchup SHOULD be used. Your friend must be a master ketchup writer to fit "I love you" and all sorts of other longer romantic sayings onto a bun. True talent ;)

j said...

i just spent the last few minutes trying to figure out how you use ketchup as art when it comes in the big glass bottle. I kept saying to myself, "it's too thick, you can't write anything with it..." - then i realized that they probably used the bottle with the small hole. then i put my helmet and life jacket back on....


Soda and Candy said...

I'm not concise enough, the bun would be swimming in ketchup!!!

'Cuz I Felt Like It! said...


One Sassy Girl said...

good idea... another tactic to add to my arsenal of ways to be mean and catty! i adore this guy who was singing about you... is he datable?

JennyMac said...

That is some fancy skills writing sweet epithets in ketchup. But a drawing of the bird? Classic.

And who was the songbird?

Lana said...

what a great idea! and i love that he knew to look for a secret message under the bun before eating.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Genius! Gotta use that somehow.

Mega8815 said...

That's stunning!
First Part - SO Cute
2nd Part - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That would totally be me! She's just giving me more ideas... *evil grin*

Ms. Case said...

I Love it. SO much that I want to get in a fight with someone right now and have to make their bun up with Fuck You on it.

Ok, fine. I could just skip the fight and simply do the kind xoxo or heart :) Either way, I still love it.

p-huong said...

That would never work with any of my friends. We're all such pigs we would never think to read our food.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I do the same thing with pancake batter. A passive aggressive note you can eat! Wins all around!

Mr. Condescending said...

I draw boobs with the ketchup!

Sally-Sal said...

Peach Tart:
Oh, the wrath of the peach! I'd like to see your bun shenanigans.

That's awful! I think maybe the 'eat me' and "don't even think about it" were misplaced...

Some really nice mexican guys. They did a badass job. Weed eating, mowing, picking up the drunk tracks the college kids from next door deposited on the lawn. For the low, low price of $20.

I know, right? I can barely make a smiley face fit on the bun ;)

That made me laugh really really hard. You crack me up. J Galifianakis.

Soda and Candy:
Me too! Maybe she should teach a class. Bun condiment caligraphy.

cuz I felt like it:
She is definitely creative. Just seeing a crudely drawn finger in ketchup was enough to make me snort. Good times.

One Sassy Girl:
Datable? Maybe at one time, but the fire is out. He waited too long.

He's a good friend of mine. Easy on the eyes, but much too timid. A great guy, though.

Me too! And seeing that look of shocked surprise on his face... I laughed until I hurt.
Angry burgers are the worst.

I'd like to invent the coffee cup that has these words at the bottom "I poisoned your coffee".

She is definitely one of a kind. Everytime I think of her bf, I still laugh a little. I wish I had photographed his expression.

Ms. Case:
I'd like to write one word. Something creepy and unsettling. Something that would make you drop the burger...

LOL! That's great.

Steam me up kid:
Anything that can be molded (in my house, anyways) always ends up phallic.

Mr. C:
You eat ketchup?

Mr. Condescending said...

I actually just started eating ketchup a few months ago and it tastes awesome!

katieleigh said...

haha that's hilarious, I love when things make you laugh uncontrollably, such a liberating feeling

Mega8815 said...

His expression would have been one of those Kodak Moments... LOL!!!

Sally-Sal said...

Mr. C:
Oh my goodness... I just can't picture you eating ketchup... unless the package has pinstripes, or french cuffs!

Or a bmw logo on it....

I know! That's probably my favorite feeling. To laugh uncontrollably.

It really was! It was horrified, angry, and a little hurt. But hilarious!

Mr. Condescending said...

I was just mentioning on another blog about the kickass bmw I had not too long ago. It was a 98 but it was a 750 "Protection Series" with armored body and bullet proof windows. V12 engine, black on black.

Sally-Sal said...

I can just picture you using the armored body to plow through twelve trailer houses while laughing maniacally.

somebody said...