Go, go, go shorty
It's your birthday
We gon' party like it's yo birthday
We gon' sip Bacardi like it's yo birthday
and you know we don't give a fuck
It's your birthday!
A helluva lot has happened this month. Lots of birthdays. One of my friends has celebrated 30 of them. You're probably thinking "Happy Dirty Thirty, Sal's friend!"
Well, she's actually only 26. 27 on some days.
Which brings me to the point of extra birthdays. Shay* has been dating, and let's just say that the dating pool around here is...limited. Sometimes you'll find those guys that you never thought existed....
The guy that mentions his mother in every sentence...he lives here.
The guy who falls in love with you after one date....we got him too.
The guy who is married, but he and his wife sleep in separate beds. They have an understanding, you see. Until she catches the two of you at Sonic, maybe balls deep in a shake...he actually has a tribe of friends that live here. Different faces, but the same m.o.
So, I hung out with the lovely and talented Shay, who is pretty sick of the dating thing. Put up with enough dates that end in restraining orders, sentences that all start with "My mom said...", and you'd probably sew your no-no shut.
Instead, Shay has another take on it. Extra birthdays.
(Conversation totally used with her permission)
Shay: hey, birthdays only happen like once, twenty times a year
Me: you know what the karma in that would be, right?
Shay: oh gawd
Me: you wake up next week and you're 40
Shay: thats not funny i just realized that i'd been telling everyone that i was 27 for the last 5 months i'm only 26
Me:
Shay: i hate you
Me: see? karma
Shay: i had the moment of clarity at midnight
Me: what was the clarity?
Shay: after all the fake bdays i've had, i thought "well, my real bday is coming up pretty soon. gah- i'm going to be 28...what have i done with my life" then i thought "damn. i don't remember turning 27" then i did the math and got the chalk out for the chalkboard
Me: because seeing it in chalk makes it real
Shay: and ta- da! yes it does make it real
real dumb
when keeping it real goes wrong
Me: It's come to a sad pass when you don't even know how old you are. I mean, those are your years. Where did they go?
When karma bitch slaps you...with years.
Shay: at least i got younger over night
Me: Wait, aren't you having another birthday soon?
Shay: not yet havent met anyone new
Me: your 30's are coming up quick. Like next month
I can feel it
Shay: i hate you
Me: when you say that, I just want to throw a handful of confetti and run around high fiving people.
Shay: bitch
me: *confetti*
Shay's faux birthday rules:
1. You can have as many birthdays you need per month.
2. Birthdays must be scheduled at least 5 days to two weeks away.
3. Fake birthdays can't be on the weekend. Only real birthdays can. Fake birthdays should be on Wednesday. Tuesday = even better.
Shay's calendar:
18 comments:
Seriously. Great stuff. That gay landscaper is classic.
Do you make all those supernatural things yourself?
I don't really see the point to "extra" birthdays. I've also been telling people I'm 27 for the last 3 months. I turn 27 Sunday. I'm not a happy camper.
Travis, I love the gay landscaper. That is just right on so many levels.
I don't make those supernatural things myself, mostly people email them to me (I'm a fan of the show) but I fucking love that you knew it was supernatural :)
Hahaha, Kanye was the icing on this birthday cake!
Well done Shay. Extra birthdays rock.
I'm always forgetting how old I am, and I'm sure that's a sign of getting old. I remember telling people that I was 9 and a half, because that half counted for something back then.
Anyway, fun post. I loved the Kanye closer.
Oh...damn.
I'm 37. Yes, with a three.
Sigh.
At least I'm not old enough to be y'all's mama.
A friend of ours turns 41 on New Year Eve and totally forgot last year, that he turned 40. His mum had to tell him how old he was. He's not happy either.
The only time I was seriously conscious of how many birthdays I've had was when I went out with a younger... ok, a lot younger woman. At one point she said, "You're old enough to be my mother." She had problems with English... no, really, she did.
By the way - isn't it possible to just block Kanye?
You amuse the fuck out of me. That is all.
Okay, I'm so stealing your supernatural gifs. They're fuckin hilarious.
Dun dun dun duuun!!
We actually do have birthdays twice a year, and if your parents are from different religions, it might even go up to three!
P.S. that gay landscaper was hilarious. He does your backyard too? :P
I love you Sal. If I wasn't married, I'd be one of those creepy guys with the wife in seperate bedrooms and an understand and following you around the bars. Whatever that means.
Anyway, Happy Birthday (again) to your friend.
Ha! I loved every bit of this post, ha!
I remember having dinner at my Parent's house a couple of years ago, and I mentioned something about how it was going to be weird turning 33, and my Mom goes "What? You ARE 33!"
Then I was in denial for a few minutes. Then I thought my Mom had gone crazy. Then I did the math and realized she was right. Then I was silently angry at my Mom for a while because she made age a whole year in only two minutes.
The End.
I love throwing confetti and humping balloons in my birfday suit!
Tell Shay I am available on Tuesdays, and every other Wednesday. Drag show at Novak's twice a month...
S&C:
For some reason, the Kanye thing was my favorite part of it.
Hunter:
I so remember those days. The day of the half...Good times.
Jodey:
Hey, I'll be 31 soon. So, we're on the same block, age wise :)
Tennys:
Lol! My mom pulls a trick on me every year for my birthday. She'll call and then randomly say "Oh, what was the date again?"
She's got me with that for the last 30 years...
O-Zone:
You must be something, you attract all kinds of women :)
As for Kanye, I think that was probably one of the best things he's ever done. The jokes...endless. Win.
Mighty Hunter:
Sir, the feeling is mutual. (boo)
Shaunak:
I love Supernatural, steal away! Do you watch the show?
And if that guy really mowed lawns, I'd pay him to mow mine like five times a day. Even when it snowed.
Ed:
The love is mutual. :)
INB:
Ha! Sometimes I forget and tell people that I'm older than I am. Then, I 'un-age'.
Phil (Meat!)
I will deliver the message. Be sure to have a couple of birthday gifts handy!
The Kanye was my favorite part too...with the confetti throwing coming in at a close second.
Between 28 Years Later and Kanye, this one got me cracking up.
I like to celebrate my friends' fake birthdays without informing them, when we are restaurants. The look of confusion and awe when the entire kitchen staff comes out singing is priceless.
Holy crap I must be 199..
Nice post & nice blog. I love both.
Post a Comment